This is not different for anyone. Everyone has probably experienced some relationships like this in their life just in different ways. At least one or two relationships in their younger age where the person feels like someone is their saviour, but the relationship with that person could also be their destruction.
I don't know why I felt this pain in my heart every single time I got into a new relationship, but I did. Every time I thought about someone else and being with that person after this certain guy I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life, I'd start to doubt myself. I'd doubt everything good anyone has said about me. That one person was the one I felt secure with and that maybe, just maybe I would be good enough for.
I kept thinking and thinking of what happened a year or two ago which made me upset every time. The thing he had done to me when he hung out with me in my room when he had a girlfriend, who was also one of my friends. He called me "adorable" and he kissed my cheek and felt up my leg which I know was wrong but somehow I had just let it happen. I felt so secure with him, and special but I knew it was completely wrong. My mind was like a roller coaster going up and down and around.
When he went home we talked online. I don't remember why but he started calling me a bunch of names. He called me: "Bitch", "Fat", and all those other names I'd rather not try to remember. A knot formed in my throat and I cried and called his girlfriend telling her everything he did that night because I felt betrayed and hurt, like a million knives were stabbing me one by one. I also believe that she didn't deserve what he was doing to her as well. I felt better that she wasn't mad at me even though I was mad at myself.
This guy hurt me more times than I could possibly care to remember. Every time he would say something bad about me, I would just feel hurt and alone like the last chip in a chip bag. Every time I felt this way, I would just want to kill myself or do anything to take the pain away from myself, but in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't the right thing to do.
A year ago around April 19th to early May 2013, I ended up dating this guy and I finally felt happy enough to go on with my life. Though something happened in the time being when I was in this relationship and I didn't know what to do or what I should expect next. I thought "What else could possibly go wrong with this relationship?" Has anyone ever felt like they just want to fade away and never return again because I just cannot take this? I know for a fact that I have.
I loved this boy. There was something about him I couldn't shake and to this very day I still can't. This guy, in the time we were together... he had cheated on me with two girls. The first time was with one of his ex-girlfriends, he had actually called me and told me that they kissed and that he was really stupid to do that. Honestly, my heart felt like shreds of paper all ripped up. After he told me on the phone I started crying uncontrollably and I just felt like I couldn't handle it, but I stayed with him. I kept dating him because no matter what, I still loved him with every fibre of my being. He did many things in the course of when we were together that hurt me intensely. He cuddled with one of his friends that was a girl, commented "you're beautiful" and other things on other girls pictures, and I could tell he was lying to me but even then I stayed with him.
He met a girl at his trailer and he told me that he had kissed her because he liked her even though he was still with me. He had said to me that I like celebrities. It was the dumbest excuse I had ever heard. He made up that excuse to define what he did as the same thing as me liking a celebrity. It's not! I felt like I was going to break but I still stayed because he meant everything to me and I didn't wanna lose him, but I cried so much. I lied down on my bed crying while my makeup ran down my eyes and soaked my pillow.
After all that I was a complete bitch to this new girl that he had met and he basically told me to stop being jealous. I was only jealous because I cared about him. I'm territorial of what is mine. He made up rules and if I didn't follow them, he would leave me. My heart had been broken into a million pieces leading up to all those rules he laid on me which made me even more depressed. I didn't understand why he was doing this.
Every time I hung out with him we were happy. When we were apart it was different, almost like we weren't in a relationship which made me depressed and doubtful. At the same time he made me secure and insecure at the same time. I realized that he was the one able to control my feelings somehow. Was this natural? It was like he could control my every emotion; he could make me sad, mad, furious, and confused.
It was after a while that I felt I didn't know how I was going to make it through. It was after a bit of that with him that I decided what to do about our relationship, because at that point I knew what the right thing was. However, I was hesitant to do it because of how much I was willing to do for him and how much I loved him. It took me an entire day to figure out what I was going to do and after that day, I did it.
I dumped him. My life changed and so did the way I thought about myself in that certain way. I'm not worthless and I wasn't just going to sit there and keep making myself go through it over and over again. I realized I deserve better than what he put me through. I deserve to be treated well, and that's exactly what I strive for now. I still have trust issues because I know what I need and won't let myself be fooled by anyone. I have to know the exact truth in what someone says before I can really trust them.
I feel that anyone, boys or girls, shouldn't be scared to end an abusive relationship. They shouldn't be scared to end something that doesn't feel right anymore. When someone is in a relationship with another person who: calls them names, makes them feel like they aren't the only one or makes them feel worthless or unloved, they shouldn't keep making themself feel those ugly things that have made them feel how they are. You're not those things and you deserve to feel good and happy.
I changed my life in a way I never thought I could. I ended a relationship that overall made me feel like I wasn't good enough for anyone, but I know I am good enough for someone. Everyone should find their worth like I did, and end a bad relation that did nothing but make them sad.
You're more than that.
