J x M

Synced Hearts

  I tighten my grip on Jax's wrist. We stare at each other,panting, hearts beating in sync. The wind blows softly through my hair. It's cold up here on the hotel roof top. I knew something was weird when he invited me up here. 

My cheek burns. Did he get my cheek during all that? I stare up at Jax's knife,slightly bloodstained. I guess he did, I want to touch my cheek and wipe the blood away but i'm scared of releasing my grip. I try not to focus on the pain. 

  Jax keeps his stare on me,never moving. He's insane. Absolutely insane. He isn't fighting my grip, he just stares. It's driving me insane. For some reason I was more at peace during the fight than I am now. It gave me more adrenaline than any other drug. No amount of cocaine could ever make me feel the way Jax did in that moment. It was the feeling i've been craving since Ash had been locked up. 

   I look back into Jax's eyes. They're softer now, and welling up with tears. He just nods and I let go of his wrist. His arm immediately drops to his side and I watch a drop of blood fall from the knife. He drops to his knees and sighs. 

  I finally release the breath that has been held in for the past minute. I wipe the blood off my cheek with the back of my sleeve, I wince in pain. Jax is crying, at least I think he is. I hear a sniffle and the sharp sound of the knife being slid towards my feet. I stare at it,wanting to grab it. But instead, I kick it behind me and sit next to Jax. 

   He stares at the city below. Cars zooming by,having no idea what has just happened. I close my eyes, This was supposed to be a fun night. Hanging out in Chicago,trying once again to fix this fucked friendship. I knew something was wrong when he insisted on breaking into the roof top. I knew something was wrong when he constantly kept pulling that huge hoodie over the back of his jeans,as if he was hiding something. When we finished picking the lock, we stood at the ledge for 5 minutes in complete silence. Then Jax reached behind him and all my suspicions came true. The knife swiftly came out and Jaxs ear ringing laugh filled the air and a swing was taken at me. Maybe he caught my cheek then? 

    I open my eyes. Jax is messing with his hoodie strings,"Mar?"

    It's in the moment I try speaking I notice my throat is dry,"Jax," I manage to croak out. 

    I hear his throat clear and a deep breath is taken,"Why don't you love me?"

  I almost scoff, I almost laugh in his face. But I don't, I don't want to push him any further,"I think,considering with what you just did, that should be obvious.."

  He runs his fingers through his dark hair,"You drive me insane. I just want you. And knowing I can never have you,makes me want to make sure no one has you."

  My heart tightens,"You're crazy.."

  He laughs,but softer now, the laugh that I fell in love with when we were 13. The laugh I craved to hear at 1 am while there was screaming outside my door,"Trust me, I know. I also know I'm going to go to jail eventually,for life most likely. All because of you."

  I bite my cheek,"I won't press charges if you drive me back home and promise to leave Ash and I alone."

  He raises an eyebrow,"Mar, being away from you drives me insane. But being close to you drives me insane as well," he pulls his hoodie over his head,"I regret a lot. But do you know what I regret most?"

  I stare,not answering him. He glances at me and sighs,"I regret the night we went to our first party together and I pressured you into drugs. All because of uhm,what's his name was there?"

  I close my eyes once again,"Ace.."

   Jax nods and snaps his fingers twice,"Yeah,Yeah! That's it. He was there and for some reason I thought that hey drugs are cool! Maybe that will impress him. Which is shitty because I know you liked him at the time...but everyone did!" he pauses and takes a deep breath,"And I knew you liked him and you were obviously going to be chosen over me because he's straight and well I was about to come out as trans." He pulls off his hoodie and tugs at the bottom of his binder,"I didn't love you. Or at least the love wasn't as strong then. I wanted you happy,Ace made you happy. So I wanted to implant the whole drugs are hot and cool thing that everyone thought at school at the time to see if Ace was interested.."

  My head is pounding,"Jax.."

    He cuts me off,"That thought is so fucking stupid right? Drugs aren't hot or cool but for some reason everyone thought that. My insecure ass bought into it and dragged you along with me. But then later that night, Ace pushed you and left. I was the first one there. I loved you in that moment. Your short blonde hair in your face,your mouth dropped open,your pupils huge. You informed me of what had just happened. I kissed your sweaty forehead and we went somewhere quiet. One thing led to another and..we slept together. I don't regret that moment at all. The getting on drugs is the only thing i regret from that night. We wer- I WAS and am, stupid."

  I want to bang my head on the concrete. I want to cry, I want to scream in Jax's face. Anything to stop this pain. He tightens the strings on his hoodie,"i fucked up man. Where we are at right now. I fucked up" 

  I watch him stand, I grow nervous. He pulls his hood off and stares at me,holding out his hand. I take it reluctantly and stand up,letting go as soon as I gain my balance. He sighs,"Mar, I love you. I'm sorry for fucking your life up"

   I finally cry. I finally let the tears fall down my cheek,"Jax.."

   He puts both hands on my face,wiping tears as they fall,"I'll leave you alone. I'll leave everyone alone."

  I meet his eye,"You promise me?"

   He closes his eyes,tightening them for a few seconds then opening them,studying every part of me as he can. As if i'm the last thing he'll ever see. "I promise.."

  I put my hand on his and close my eyes,"Thank you.."

   I feel his forehead rest on mine,it's hot and sweaty. "No more Mar.."

  All of a sudden my blood runs cold, Jax has removed himself from me and is standing on the ledge,"No more Mar.."

   My eyes widen,"Jax!"

  He's smiling, tears streaming down his cheek and he stares at me,back to the city and heels off the edge,"I love you."

  I immediately go to grab him before he is fully gone, I feel our finger tips brush but it wasn't enough. I watch as his body falls,everything is in slow motion. Then there's a thump.

 Cars screech to a stop and the wind is deafening,blood paints the pavement. I'm frozen. 

  "Jax.."