A Bit Of Everything

Unknowingly

Do you ever wonder why people feel?

It's a thought that my teenage brain can't comprehend and yet it's wanting to understand. The answer that it craves for isn't even something of religious level. Simply an explanation of how one could put themselves out there to love, hate, and reciprocate these feelings. I ask myself whether people actually choose what they want to feel? It sounds like a farfetched idea but as much as they want to, I don't think they do.

How do you even express these unrelenting emotions surging through your veins when no words could even begin to describe what you are feeling? I cry, I laugh, I react just like how any other girl my age would but somehow these gestures, expression and even language could not release the contained thoughts and emotions stuck right there inside of me.

There are times when I want to be happy but I can't, I don't think I'll ever know if others will understand it but I think there will always be a lonely soul inside of me. It's restricting to say the least because what's hindering you from enjoying life would probably be forever unknown to you and to everyone else. I don't even have problems to think about and yet I feel empty. I see my purpose in life, I have a great bunch of family and friends, I am living a splendid life but how come my feelings is the opposite of what we'd call ideal?

Until now, I still do believe that I am genuinely a happy person but there comes a time when even the happiest of them all will start to question just to what extent could it go. Is there an ending to this happiness? I wouldn't know. My mind is blurred with questions that I don't know the answer to. I tell myself to start thinking clearly because life is simple and this is me overanalysing and self-pitying myself. But still, I get pulled into this place of darkness and gloom with no thoughts swirling inside my head. Simply an emotion of sadness that humans would like to call our feelings.

Is it normal? That I'd like to ask. To look at life as if it was a gift but at the same time feel like this? Is the reason for these thoughts my age and that I'm simply going through a depressive stage? I wish it was just that but knowing myself, it'll be too petty and immature of a concept for me to do.

I try not to think about it because it helps remove the ache and sadness. I honestly don't know what that it is hence the first line that I wrote earlier, but what I do know is that it's an enigma. Something that crawls up on me but thankfully doesn't affect my loved ones. All I have to do for now is to take it in and live my life.

Maybe I just need to see what's out there in the world. And maybe, just maybe, there will be a time when I wouldn't have to question my happiness.

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A/N:

Honestly, my day was going so well and I decided to write. Maybe what triggered me to have this mood is me being disappointed at my ability to write? But I doubt it. I was just merrily writing and then I paused for a while then it just hit me. I started typing what I was feeling and that question was just on top of my head and then everything came flowing and I'm scared for myself.