Love and Happiness

Understanding Love

I grew up in a slightly broken home.

I say "slightly" because even though my parents aren't together anymore, and my older brother had almost lost himself in alcohol and drugs, and my mother practically abandoning my little brother and I, I still felt that love.

The love that is supposed to stick with those who consider each other as family. This love that I grew up believing in had tarnished throughout the years because of the fighting, arguing, late-night outings on my mother's part, and lonely days where I could only call myself "family".

Of course, this caused something to snap. A snap that made me think that I was wrong. Wrong about the love I thought of when I was an innocent child. As I became more aware I started to hate my family. Hate my father for drinking incessantly. Hate my mother for claiming that title as my parent when she practically gave up on us in hopes of finding someone who could love her. Hate my brother for acting the way he did but yet love him for being the parent my younger brother and I needed.

But also hate myself for letting this hate cloud my mind of the right idea of happiness for so long.

I can't say I had a voice in my head spitting at me my flaws.

I can't because I didn't.

My mind was almost so empty that I don't know how I managed to come so far in life.

Perhaps it was me.

The me that wasn't blinded by hate. The one who wasn't broken and actually believed in a brighter future. If that's the case, I owe everything to that side of me. That me was my savior.

But that's only a part of who I can be.

Another part can say that I have self-esteem issues, but who doesn't?

Another part can say that I have anger issues, but I can only blame myself for this, right?

Another part can say that I'm quite the optimist especially in dangerous times.

Because I have to be.

However, it took me 18 years to truly understand something. That my past will always be with me. It will always haunt me but my past is my most prized possession.

Why?

Because now I truly understand the meaning of love and happiness for my friends, for my family, and for myself.

Especially for myself.