drowning in regret...

I regret not telling you before i left

When i left, i expected you to be waiting for me to return. But after a day or two i heard that you had died, i cried for hours when i heard.

I just thought 'why did you have to die so soon?' but i guess i kinda expected that. Everyone dies one day, people just usually don't expect it to happen to them yet.

I knew that she would die one day but i didn't expect it to be so soon, when i left her. I wanted to see her for the last time, but whenever i looked at her lifeless body i just started crying.

I couldn't stand to look at her, she made me happy, she was my whole world. She was there for me at times when i needed her. She....cared for for me. My mother, i regret not being able to tell you how much i loved you. I regret not being able to hug you again, i wanted to see you smile for the last time, but that's not possible. Not anymore, i will never be able to see you and give you a hug.

Never will i be able to tell you 'i love you mom'. I understand that people die, but i just didn't want to except it at that time, but now i do. It's not the first time a family member died, i just didn't want it to happen to her.

She was kind, unless you made her mad. She got me to smile at times without trying. My mom made my day just by being there. I enjoyed scaring her at times, i loved being able to hug her.

I miss her, my mom wouldn't have died if it wasn't because of 'him'. I wanted my mom to leave him but she said she loved him. She did plain ahead just in case so we could escape the house from my window.

But it doesn't matter, she died. I miss her of course, but at times it's better not to think about her. I forgot what she sounds like now because it's been a few years, but i remember what she looks like.

I mean how could i not? She's my mom, i usually never forget a face, their names i will forget but faces i will remember.

I am sorry, i will never get to tell you that i love you.