The Girl They Never Noticed: Dance With Devils

Explaining Why I'm Not Writing Right Now

Okay, I thought I should explain what's going on...

I really want to keep writing...but everything has been horrible. I hit? writer's block, I know what I want to write, but I just can't type the words. I'm pretty sure it's because of all of my stress right now...

Why I stopped writing, is mainly because my life is a shit hole right now. I'm currently homeless, my stepdad kicked my mom out because of her excessive drinking. She manipulates people into giving her money and when they stop she steals their money. I was forced back into my Nana's, which I used to live with until I was eleven and those whole 4-5 years I dreamed about putting a bullet in my head. I went through severe depression and hardly got to see my friends because my Nana hated them. I moved in with my stepdad 6th grade year and I slowly got better. Majority of it was from my best friend Lucas that I knew from diapers, but we never really knew that, we thought we met in kindergarten. We were attached to the bone after that and that's when I fell in love with writing. Lucas was slowly helping with my depression and I started smiling more, he'd give me the option for everything. In seventh grade I met my friend Gabe, I never really got along with girls. Eventually we started dating and Lucas avoided me, after a few weeks for an odd reason I felt like I was cheating on Lucas, so I broke up with him and we just became magically attached again. Then 7th grade ended and 8th rolled along. Around the beginning, he told me he was going online school, I didn't take a shock. The a week or 2 later, he had me sit by him and promise him I'd name my 2nd child Alexander or Alexandria after his middle name. I asked why and he told me he might have a hole in his lung. I felt my chest tighten and I let out a few tears hugging him. I wasn't able to handle it. The October, my mom broke the news to my siblings and I that we were switching schools. The first few weeks were hard, I was at a school for 9 years then had to switch. Then Jade told me to get on a chat room and that's where I met Noah. We became role play buddies and eventually like siblings. I adopted other role play friends as my kids and eventually had 7 all of them being fathered by Noah. Noah and I had countless fights, especially when Michael was around. Noah hated me around other guys, including Lucas. He filled the void that was there for Lucas, because we only talked occasionally along with Abbie. I had a nice time there and my depression was gone. When school ended, I was 2 weeks before my old school. They had a trip, no one knew I was going, but Tessa, my friend. The whole class was going to World's of Fun and the principal let me go too. Tessa probably told Lucas because when I arrived at the amusement park, Lucas was looking around. I yelled his name and waved, it was like a romance movie, the boy and girl that were in love see each other after years (6 months) and he bolts towards her and picks her up in a big hug. Yes that happened. Everything was getting better, then late July my mom told me James kicked her out and we were living with Nana. I fell apart, depression started again. My dog was going blind to, my grandma is about to lose her job, mom still drinking, and dad in and out of jail. My Nana and I getting in fights, worst one she grabbed my throat, threatened to kill me, pushed me, and hit me. When school started up, there was a new student, Lucas ignored me and forgot I existed. I'm pissed and hardly talk to him anymore, I thought fourteen years of friendship would mean more. I was expecting it, he stopped saying I love you and now he won't hug me. So I don't see why we even tried so hard to be still friends.

I once wanted to make a story about me, but I never thought it was interesting, now I probably could.

I guess this is more than explaining, I guess its just my stories since the past year. I guess I'm sorta a survivor. I never shot myself, I'm gonna fix my depression, I've never self harmed. I've been through shit and those who self harm should shut the fuck up. Stop cutting, you won't benefit from it. When you get criticize for it, don't cut more. We criticize it so you realize and stop. I know people who cut, I don't do shit or give them attention because that feeds into it, I ignore it and criticize it. It won't fucking work.