Sometimes
I feel as if this is
wrong.
A person like me shouldn't
be with a person
like you.
I realise that it's not you,
it really is me.
I'm not who I'm supposed to be.
If I were born into this
world
a different gender
I think I'd feel perfectly content
with who I am and who I'm with.
I don't know if you realise this
but if I have the
gender reconstruction surgery
then that would make you borderline bi
and keep me borderline bi as well.
I feel I shouldn't be
with someone
until I find who I'm supposed to be.
I don't want to hurt you
though.
I love you
but I don't feel...
right.
I don't know how I would ever
go about explaining this to my family.
I would have to come out as trans
and straight.
Coming out as gay
was hard enough as it is.
I've tried to get them to
realise I'm not who I'm supposed to be.
They spoil me with these
women clothes.
They say, "It won't look good on you. You'll look
like a box."
Isn't that nice?
I just want to be completely comfortable
with myself
and I don't think I can do that
without your support but there's no way to get it.
I wish I was
different.
Not different
because I'm already enough of that but I mean
different.
I want curly short hair.
I don't want boobs.
I wish I didn't have to live up to the standards
of women.
I don't want to have to shave my legs to "look good".
Or my armpits
for that matter.
I don't want to constantly have to buy
bras
because my boobs keep growing
or they're shrinking.
I want to wear boxers
without having to worry about where to put the pad
and swim trunks
without
a shirt.
I want a penis instead of a vagina.
I wish I could be more open
but I feel as if you would shut me down.
You might think
that this is just a "teenager" thing
but how long have I felt this way?
You know.
Maybe I got too confident
when I came out
because that's when I started
telling you that I wanted to wear "boy" clothing.
But I don't want to talk to you
if all you're going to do is shut
the real me
or what I want the real me to be
down and out.
I look at guys
that are a spitting image
of what I wish I could be
and hate them for it.
That's not fair, now is it?
No.
Not
at
all.
It's late
so I'll stop now.
Be safe.
Don't kill yourself.
I hope you at least get to find who you're
supposed to be.
On second thought,
no I don't.
I'm too
selfish
for that.
