friday, july 15th | #MindOverMatterContest

friday, july 15th

Dear diary,

No to-do list today, because I didn't do anything except watch teen romance movies on Netflix.

I want romance in the worst possible way. It depresses me to know I never got to experience a cute teen romance. Instead I got V, who doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. All he ever cares about is sex.

I don't get it. What did I do to piss off the universe this badly? Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why did the only guy who ever noticed me, the only guy who called me hot, who actually wanted to fuck me, have to turn out to be such a total fucking scumbag?

I guess my first clue should have been that we met whilst getting stoned in my garage. Now that I think about it, there were a million signs (bad omens?) of how doomed we were from the start, but I ignored them all. My dumb, romance-obsessed ass needed the "love" he gave me, I craved what I saw so many other girls get.

And it ruined me. It threw all the plans for college and my future right out the fucking window. His "love" stormed my body, ripped my organs out and destroyed the life I had.

It flooded my veins and pumped acid into my heart and convinced me that love was supposed to feel like that. It quieted the chaos of my mind, made me think his presence calmed my demons, but all he did was repress them. They weren't quieted or calmed, they were choked and snuffed out as he slowly stole their air, shoved them in locked boxes and kept them out of my sight.

I have too much potential, too many profound thoughts just begging to be set free.

I have to let them out but now I'm stuck with duct tape over my mouth, my hand bounds behind my back with ropes made of the words "I love you".

Well, no more.

I want to throw myself into the strangeness of the world. I need to let my creative demons run wild.

I will no longer sit in the sand with only my toes in the water.

I will dive into deep ocean, let the wonders of the world fill my lungs, my heart, and my mind. I want to drown in everything the world has to offer, until I become nothing more than a stamp in the strangeness of eternity.

Well, goodnight diary. It was nice talking to you again.