Once upon a time, there was a princess. She was graceful, elegant, poised, and... Okay, she was hot. Like, seriously hot. You could say that every guy wanted her to, um, ride their noble steed. But, unfortunately, as most hot girls are, she wasn't exactly in the highest room of the tallest tower. She probably didn't even make it to the front gates of the castle. She was duller than Aladdin's lamp, but she had royal blood. So, she was the princess. That is, until she died of inhaling too many royal airs. That, my dear friend, is where I come in (figuratively, of course). This is where our story begins.
You see, after the princess died, people became depressed. I guess even the ladies missed Her Royal Hotness. The depression lead to bitterness, the bitterness lead to anger, and the anger lead to a rebellion. During that time, a lot of people, both peasants and lords alike, fled the kingdom. One of those peasants was me. We had good reason to flee, I can honestly say. The rebellion leaders wanted to kill anyone of royal blood, so there go the lords and dukes. Plus, why not kill a peasant? I can think of a lot of reasons, but to them, we were like flies. And what do flies do when they are in danger? They flea.
After a few years hiding out in the forest waiting for the rebellion to cool off, I decided to head back to the kingdom. Since I mostly survived on a delicious drink solely composed of fermented berries, it took me awhile to get the hang of walking long distances. More often than not, I was tripping over my beard. First stop, I noted in my head, to the barber to get rid of this bush. I know I saw, after many drinks, a family of birds nesting into it. I wonder if they're still in there? For all I know, there could be a tiny cottage in there. What if seven dwarves live in there? What if, while off to work they go, Snow White comes by to do a little cleaning? What if when I cut off my beard, I kill Snow White? Yeah, I'm definitely still drunk.
It took a few weeks for me to reach the borders of the kingdom, mostly because of the aforementioned beard issue. It was just too big to handle (that's what she spoketh)! But, man was I shocked once I caught sight of the kingdom. It was in such disarray, that if I hadn't grown up in it I would not have recognized its shadow on the horizon. All the buildings had been painted black, with banners of a menacing old guy scowling hung up along every lamppost. I stood there awkwardly staring at one of the posters, trying to figure out who he was. He looked so familiar. All of a sudden, a gangly man ran up to me.
"S-sir?" He asked, panting, "I see you have a beard!"
"Yes, I know that." I replied. "Anything else I should be aware of?" I then realized I could use this moment to find out who that guy was, and maybe the date, too. "What day is it toda-?", but I was cut off by his rambling.
"...top hair care company in all of Randaren. We do specialize in women's hair care, but are now branching out to include products for the menfolk. Last year, we brought in a total income of 500,000 tins, half of that being..." Yeah, I wasn't listening to any of that. And, I'm guessing you weren't reading any of it either.
"Wait up there, dude! What are you talking about?" I suppose I should find out.
"Will you be in a commercial?" He retorted, clearly annoyed that I wasn't impressed by his cute little memorized speech.
"A what?! What for? And why?" I was so confused.
"We need to cast someone as the 'crazy guy with beard', and I'm going to be fired if I don't find him by sundown!" He was definitely sprinting out of 'being weird' and moving right along into 'going ballistic'. "So, will you do it, or not!?"
I can't believe I did that. I was in a commercial for "Happily Ever After-Shave", but at least I got paid for it. As I headed out the door, that same gangly guy ran up to me, again.
"I remember you said something about wanting to know what today was?" Sheesh, this guy was listening while talking? Kudos to him, I guess.
"Actually, I'd rather know who that dude on all those posters is." Simple, but to the point.
"Oh, don't act like you don't know!" He laughed, lightly shoving my arm.
I gave him a blank look.
"You really don't know, do you?" He sighed, exasperated.
"Why would I be asking you if I did?"
"So you could- never mind, you wouldn't know about that either. Sit down, so I can tell you everything."
Now, since I'm assuming you aren't in the mood to die, I'll save you his telling of the tale. Basically, it was this:
A few months into the revolution, after all the royalty had been killed and people were just rioting for the sake of rioting, a tall man rode into town. His hair and eyes were dark, in sharp contrast with his skin. Apparently, his teeth glimmered manically. Don't ask me how that even happens, but that's what Trellesk, the gangly man who later told me his name, told me. So, I don't know. But, anyways, this guy embodied pure evil. Any revolutionaries who didn't manage to hide, like Trellesk, were slaughtered. Pretty harsh, I think, since they didn't do anything to him. He then brought in everyone from his land, and is basically ruling the kingdom as its resident tyrant now.
"You should save the kingdom," Blurted Trellesk after a long pause. "You really look the hero type, with those new clothes we gave you. And now that your beard's gone, anyone can tell you have a hero face."
"A hero face?" I asked sarcastically.
"Yeah, you have the right cheekbones." He said, staring at them.
"The right cheekbones?"
"The right cheekbones."
"Okay, then," I sighed, knowing I couldn't change his mind. "But, I can't just save a kingdom! I don't even know this bad guy's name!"
"Yes you can," he tried to reassure me. "And his name is Vikerod. But, that doesn't matter!"
He had no idea how much it mattered. Everything clicked at that moment. Vikerod, with all his darkness, was my dad. Even if it meant saving the kingdom, I couldn't kill my dad, right? Oh, screw it, yes I can!
"I'm leaving now, Trellesk, and you're coming with me." I stood up from my chair, and began walking towards the door, Trellesk running behind.
"But, why? Where are we going?" He panted.
"We're going to save the kingdom." I announced as the door slammed behind us.
What? Every good tale needs a cheesy, dramatic line at the end of the first chapter. The only difference with this one? I actually said it. I am that awesome.
