I wake up in a panic. My head hurt with a very annoying throbbing. I sat up in my bed and looked at my clock.
12:38 am
I breathe heavily. I turn on my lamp and look around my room.
I look straight at my door and feel the uneven figure behind me.
I was scared. I stopped my breathing and took in a long breathe.
This weird figure and voice has been following me for a while now. It's been about 6 months.
"Is tonight the night? Are you finally going to do it?"
I gulp and ignore it.
And get out of my bed and walk into my bathroom. I look into my mirror. And stare at my terrible body figure. I was small. And I know I have to gain weight but I can't.
I then grab my waist with my hands and my fingers meet.
I sigh.
I then look at my face. I touch my dark circles under my eyes. And my pale skin.
I turn on my shower. At a very high heat. I walk into the shower and feel the heat of the water hit my body. It was very hot.
Then I hear that voice behind me.
"You are so skinny. Your body is disgusting. No wonder you have no friends and why your family is disappointed in you."
"Stop. Please stop. Leave me alone!"
Then I don't feel the figure nor hear it's voice anymore.
I feel the hot drops pour down on me. As then I start to cry. That voice is right. All of what it said is true.
Then I stop the water and walk out of my shower. I walk back to my mirror and stare at my reflection for a while. I try and smile but nothing shows. I wasn't happy.
I open up my cabinet and take out my anti depressants. I look at my bottle and open it up.
Then it comes back.
"You know you want to to do it. And you're going to do it tonight. I believe you can Do it."
I then take out about 8-9 of my pills.
I then grab my cup and fill it up with water.
I go back into my room and look around.
I walk to my nightstand and put my cup down and lay the pills down.
I go to my closet and pick out my favorite outfit and slip it on.
I then walk to my stereo and put in my chemical romance CD.
Then I hear the voice.
"You better do it soon. The faster the better you know everyone doesn't want you here."
"Leave me alone! Please just leave me alone...."
I then get my favorite stuffed animal and place it on my bed. And walk to my nightstand and open up my drawer and reach for my blades.
I place them beside my bear and then place my pills beside the blade.
I stare at all the objects and feel the tears but quickly blink them away.
I then sit on my bed.
"Are you finally going to do it? If you are good everyone is going to be happy you are."
I ignore it
"You're a disappointment to this world and to everyone. You mess everything up."
I stare at the objects and think of all the happy moments I've had in my life.
With my family. And all the times I went on vacation. And all the good times I've had with my past friends. All of these memories make me start to cry. And for once I manage to smile a small smile.
Then that voice fills up my head. And my smile immediately goes away. Then I think of all the times my life went wrong. And everything wrong with it. All the teriible memories fill up my body. I start to breathe heavily and tears start pouring down my cheeks. The voice I've been hearing gets louder and louder in my head and I start crying more.
I then grab my pills plop them into my mouth and grab my cup of water and swallow. I felt a bit of pain but was glad they were down.
I look at my blades and breathe heavily. I turn back and look at my time.
1:38
"Finally finally you're doing it. I'm happy for you. Everyone will be happy. Including yourself believe me."
Then with no hesitation I put the blade to my wrist and cut a deep slit into it. And do it to my next one. I breathe heavily grab my stuffed animal and hug it.
I lay back down and start breathing heavier.
Then at that very moment I knew that what I have just done couldn't be undone, and that I've just done the biggest mistake in my life.
