The Wrong Username

12. This Is Killing Me

As the afternoon passed, we were still on the road to Texas.  I've been thinking about singing "Remembering Sunday" with Alex, but I still don't know if I should or not. I want to, but I am way too scared to. What if the Hustlers hate my voice? What if I fuck up the lyrics? What if I embarass myself and/or get booed off the stage?

All these "what if's" kept running through my mind. I couldn't take it. I needed get out, but we weren't at a stop yet. I felt myself shaking and heavily breathing, so I just got up and ran into the bathroom. I needed to be alone, I didn't want Alex or anyone else seeing me this way. I had hoped they got the message, but no, they didn't. I could hear foot steps as I shuffled into a small corner, crying, not making this any easier for myself. "Elaine?" Alex. No, go away. I thought to myself. "Ells, I know you're in there; can I come in?" I wanted to answer, but I couldn't. I wasn't ignoring him, I really couldn't get my words out. "Ells, please say something."

Again, I couldn't get my words out. Instead of him calling me again, he walked into the bathroom and ran over to me, holding me in his arms. It felt nice, but it wasn't helping me that much. I was still breathing heavily and sobbing. Louder than before, anyway. "Shh, baby," he said, holding me close. "Breathe, Ells. Just breathe." I don't know how, but his words overpowered me and I obeyed him. My breathing still faltering, I was calming down. He removed me from my embrace and looked me straight in the eyes, "Is this about singing on stage with me?" he asked, more concerned than anything. I nodded, looking down as tears fell from my eyes. "Lex, you've gotta know that I want to go up there with you and sing with you so much, but all these negative 'what ifs' are overruling me and I can't take it. I know that if I don't try, I'll never get over my fear, but I just c-can't-t, I can't do--"

I was cut off by him lightly crashing his lips to mine. I was in pure bliss, I can never get enough of his soft lips against mine. Once he pulled away he said, "Ells, you're not letting me down if you say no. I just wanted to share the stage with my girl and sing with her. But if you don't think you can do it, that's fine with me. I'll just get Vic or Pierre to sing it with me. As long as you're near me, I don't care if you're onstage or not. I love you." I looked at him in shock. He was so understanding and that was something I always loved about him. "Oh, Lex," I said, pulling him into a hug. "I-I love you too. Thank you for coming in. I really needed that." 

"No problem. Come on, let's get you cleaned up and something to eat, okay?" he said. I nodded, "Okay." I replied. As he was cleaning up my red, tear-stained face, I got to thinking -- how bad could I really be? I just had professional musicians tell me I was great, and I kind of believe them. I've always thought I was good singing that song. And I shouldn't give two shits if a few people don't like me. I shouldn't over think these kind of things, I'll end up how I was just minutes before. I've made up my mind.

"Lex?" I said as he gently dried my face off from the water. "Hmm?" he responded, still drying off my face. "I'll do it."

"Do what, Ells?" He stopped drying my face and furrowed his eyebrows, giving me a confused look.

"I'll sing on stage with you, Lex. But I don't wanna do Remembering Sunday, as much as I love the song." I said. After I did, he had the cutest wide smile on his face and he dropped the dry washcloth before pulling me into the bone crushing hug. Of course, I hugged back, but I couldn't get my arms around his body, considering he was hugging me so tight that I could barely move my arms. "Lex, can't breathe," I choked out, panting between each word. He let me go and muttered "Sorry", barely audible. But audible enough to where I could hear. I stood up and kissed his right cheek, causing him to blush. I almost flailed at how cute he was when he blushed, but I kept myself calm. "It's okay, at least you didn't brutally murder me." I replied with a chuckle. He also laughed, and playfully shoved me. "You're adorable," he said. "So what made you change your mind? And what song do you want to play?"