vent

life

Sometimes I'm scared to ask a question, afraid someone might call me stupid if I don't understand something within an instant. Schools nowadays don't care our feelings or how well we get along with others, whoever we feel most comfortable with, they only care about grades and how quickly you can learn something. They tell you "Do it over and over again until you understand it." What if you never understood it in the first place? What if you did ask for help? What if you needed that help more than anyone else?

I never knew that, needing help, if I didn't understand it I didn't do it because I'm scared to ask for help, a lot of my friends are similar. I say friends, I'm convinced that people just put up with me so that I'll eventually go away and leave them alone so they can talk about me behind my back.

I wish I looked prettier, I wish I didn't have to care, I wish I never existed. At least that way I wouldn't have to worry about being talked about, threatened, slagged, beaten by other kids just because of who I am and how I act or look.

Nowadays people my age, even two or three years younger, seem to all look and talk the same. Girls going out and getting drunk then sometimes even getting pregnant because of some horny teenage boy looking for a "shag". I never understood why kids my age like getting drunk, hell my 26 year old sister despises getting drunk. So much so that when she does she cries so much, just wishing she could go home and sleep the effects away.

As for me, I hate the idea of stumbling around. Not knowing where you're going or what you're doing. Talking to strangers, doing things you know that you'll regret in the future. I'd much rather get high, not to feel alive but to feel nothing. To not have to worry about what anyone thinks of me.. full circle I guess, we're right back to the part where my self loathing takes complete control of me to the point where I start listening to the voice in my head. You're not enough, you never will be enough. You don't look the way you want, you never will look the way you want. You don't act properly, you never will. You don't think like everyone else, you never will. You never will, you never will, you never will...