dolokhov paces. he paces, and paces and paces, unable to look at anatole's pale face.
"why?" he whispers. it's quiet, defeated, quite the opposite of his usual rough air, the ways he had learned as a soldier. it's broken. anatole looks on the verge of tears, but dolokhov knows he can't let that sway him.
"fedya- i- i--" anatole can't form a full sentence, his lips quivering. dolokhov's eyes burn and he stares anatole in the face for the first time since it happened.
"don't call me that," he snarls, anatole jumping back. "you don't have the right, not anymore." dolokhov hopes he looks threatening enough, considering that he feels like every breath is bringing him closer to a panic attack. anatole starts to cry. it's ugly and sniffling, and dolokhov knows that sound from the countless times he's comforted him, stroking his hair. don't listen to him, don't let him beat you, dolokhov repeats to himself. "this can't work. not if you're going to try to run off with the first woman you see and leave me behind," dolokhov manages, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. anatole has the gall to look offended.
"i loved her," he says, like the idiot he is. anatole's eyes are glittering with tears and he looks at dolokhov as if he's is the one in the wrong. dolokhov tries to scoff, but it comes out as a sob. there are tears on his face and they're choking him and every time he looks at anatole he can't breathe.
"then why do you say you love me?" it only registers to dolokhov that he was the one who had said it when it's hanging in the air already, surrounded by silence. asking a question that he knows anatole doesn't have the answer to.
"because i do love you! you can love more than one person, and i love you too." he says it as if it's a simple fact, as if he hadn't just cheated on him with natasha rostova, tried to run off with her without a word to dolokhov. god, how could he have been stupid enough to fall in love with anatole kuragin?
"anatole, you obviously don't love me enough to not fucking cheat on me!" he's yelling now. the dam has broken, all of his anger and frustration and sadness rushing out in a massive wave that surges around anatole and engulfs him. anatole cowers. dolokhov is glad. "go. get out. i was wrong for ever loving you." anatole doesn't move.
"why can't you just be you?" anatole whispers, standing his ground. "the fedya dolokhov i met, the fedya dolokhov i fell in love with? you let me live, then. you didn't keep me on a leash." dolokhov clenches his fists, willing himself not to jump on anatole and let his army instincts take over. when he speaks, his tone is too calm, too even, and he's even confused with himself.
"asking you to be faithful isn't 'keeping you on a leash,' anatole. you're just an asshole, and i'm an idiot." he laughs, a bitter, forced sound that feels foreign on his lips. "here's me letting your fucking leash go. we're over. leave." dolokhov turns away, refuses to listen to anything anatole has to say. eventually the door slams, and he knows anatole is gone. dolokhov sits against the wall as the sun goes down, holding a bottle of vodka. he doesn't cry. he's numb.
YOU ARE READING
i always knew i wasn't pretty enough to hold you (great comet; danatole)
Fanfiction"then why do you say you love me?" it only registers to dolokhov that he was the one who had said it when it's hanging in the air already, surrounded by silence. asking a question that he knows anatole doesn't have the answer to.
