|Can I have a Hug?|
As I walk down the pavement leading our school I felt the block sensation that I unorthodoxly feel. Obstructing the air to enter my body.
I can still remember how I first felt this. I cant help but to smile as a reminisce those times. I’m too desperate to feel my heart beating—which is your only proof of being alive. My desire to live is my only priority. I concluded that my body starts to weaken and any time I Can vanish in the face of the Earth, so I did almost everything just to prolong my life.
I don’t want to die. I cant die. I still need to be here.
Ironically, now that I’m better I realized that dying isnt a bad choice. Yes I’m still alive but I think I shouldn’t. I’m alive but my inner soul is dead….
I am too empty. I gave my all. Now no one fill this cup of mine. Am I selfish if I think and ask for myself? Did I look pathetic from being selfless?
Hindi ko na alam. I shut my eyes as I enter the school gates. I’m too tired of being alive.
“Goodmorning” Kuya Guard greeted me with his warm smile. I smile back.
Walking towards my designated room consumes so much energy. As my foot began to step, the crowd welcomed me with their buzz. Minding their own businesses. The others laugh while hitting each other while another group is memorizing a piece for their play… they don’t care.
My feet lead me to the guidance office, where counselor is. Hoping that she can answer my questions and I can now release my burden.
I was about to open the door when the counselor came out of it. Nagmamadali siyang tumakbo hanggang sa wala nang nasilayan ni anino niya.
Hindi siguro ito ang tamang panahon. Mix emotions. Now I’m convinced that no one can listen to me. No one will listen.
Wala na akong nagawa kundi pumasok na lang sa classroom. I sat on my usual spot. Sinalubong lang nila ako ng titig for a minute then back to their businesses again.
A bitter smile curved my lips and a heavy sigh follow. I’m too dumb to think that someone can help me through this. I forgot that no one cares.
Bakit nga ba wala?... Masyado ba akong madrama? Nagiisip lang ba ako ng sobra? Dinadamdam ko ba lahat?
O makasarili lang ako para isipin ang mga detalye sa nararamdaman ko…
I want an ease on this storm. Gusto ko na ng kapayapaan at freedom sa sakit. Gusto ko nang matapos ang lahat.
To destruct myself from thinking, I grab my polka dots notebook. I open it and read the words listed. To my surprise, I was amaze that this is my work. The work of the -old- and- innocent- seren. Every words has its meaning and every poems has an intensive emotion. Most of them are from my past which serves as the portal to see the old me. Kahit na noon ko pa nasulat ang mga tulang nandito, nadama ko ang bawat salita na tumatama sa akin. In addition, the nostalgic feeling is killing me!
Oo naranasan ko na ang ganito, pero hindi sobrang tindi. Naranasan ko ng maiwan, pero hindi tulad ngayon na naubos na ang katiting na pag asang meron ako.
