Anxio-boy.

Chapter 1: Intodution.

You wake up, instead of standing up, washing your face, and brushing your teeth, eating breakfast, having a cup of coffee, or tea; you feel the weight, not physical, although all that pressure starts building up, and it starts to feel like there's a physical weight on your chest, making it hard to breath, and it's fuzzy in your eyes, but that's not what's making you stay in the bed, is it? No, it isn't, it's the mental weight, the weight of your problems, everything you were trying to forget last night, whether by getting drunk, stoned, or just talking it out, comes back as a flashback, and makes your soul suffer the most utter undiminished torture carved into it. You keep lying down, thinking about all that, having your life flow over and over, regretting and tears slowly wetting your cheeks, you start wondering if you should go back to sleep, because after all, it's your only escape from the pain, and sometimes you try, but you don't always have the chance or even the simple ability to fall back asleep; those of you that do, are enormously lucky, who should appreciate such gift given by whoever gives them. Going next, after staying the longest amount of time possible in the bed, which could be hours in some cases, you get up, you rarely ever wash your face, brush your teeth, or seldom have a breakfast, in my utmost regular day, I start with an energy drink, it's the only way to  go for me. Anywho, you get dressed, if you have to go to school/work, or go sit on the couch and watch something on the TV, or more likely, listen to music, the best, temporary cure. Let's go with the school scenario, whether you take the bus, sitting next to someone, and in a loud bus full of annoying students; or you take a simpler version, a bike or just walk, the easiest in my picayune, opinion. Why so, you may ask? Because you don't have to face anyone, you don't have to smile upon any of those disgusting misunderstanding faces. Another, not so burdensome way, is taking a cab, which is what I do. This is the start of you wearing a mask, you have to wear a mask, smile upon the driver, show some respect, sometimes the driver might even start a conversation, in which you of course, must hitch on, the conversation might be unsettling, a bit convenient, or simply neutral. The moment you arrive at your destination, whether a school, a university, or a workplace, and enter it, starts your exhausting challenge: You have to pretend you're okay, you're good, not complaining of life. Although you try and ignore people, sometimes, such is inevitable. Your acquaintance approaches you, and cheers out: 

" Hey mate, what's up? How's life?"

"Nothing much, just suffering from whatever it is I've got, it's bad man, life is shit, man it's depressing, I can't take this anymore, I mean my friends dying, and my ex cheating on me, all of these things have just been a huge burden to carry." Sometimes you wish you could just say that, but you don't, instead of being a gnashnab, you go on with:

"Hey mate, oh just enjoying the beauty of life, all's good, can't complain, what about you?"

And the conversation goes on, and with each reply it hurts more and more, until the conversation is over. You go on, throughout the day with 4-10 people inquiring on the same matter, with each time it gets more and more painful, each breath heavier than the previous one, pressing on the unhealable scars, cutting scars that are mid-way through the healing process, a minor succor to let you go through the day. And putting a headphone in one ear, really lifts up some of the weight. It still doesn't change a thing, it still hurts as much, I know it's a paradox, but it's just one of the things I won't be able to explain in this...Well... Whatever this is. 

Anyway, let's go on with the school scenario, you get into class, with a headphone in your ear, sit somewhere in the rear end of the class, in a corner, drop your bag over off of your shoulder, and onto the ground; Open it, get out whatever it is you have, and sometimes, pretend to sleep, maybe the teacher won't notice, maybe he'll let you alone, but no, in most cases, he won't. What's worse is, when the teacher is explaining, and your thoughts are out, and he asks you to answer something, or to explain something, what's even worse, if he makes you talk in front of the whole class, and you just get lost, trying to find the lost pieces and stick them together for this one moment. Anyway, let's run past through that awkward moment and go next, breaks. You go to sit somewhere calm, but most importantly, alone. But a few of your friends, oops, i meant fake friends, grab you, and start another meaningless silly conversation, these senseless people will laugh at a funeral, ya that's the friends you get. The bell rings, your body shivers, and you go on with the rest of your day, where a minute goes like an hour, and the time left till your home time seems like infinity, but when you finally hear the bell, the last one, the one that sets you free. Just one more person left to deal with, the driver. Did you really think so? No, you still got parents, whatever kind they are, and any siblings you have. You arrive home, your mom tells you to go change, you go in there, lay on the bed, and browse the bed while listening to music, this time with both your headphones in, after a while, your mom comes barging in, screaming, saying she has called you countless times, saying the food is ready, when you tell her you're not hungry, she starts screaming: 

"Why do I have to make the food ready everyday if you don't eat it, and on top of that, you haven't changed your clothes?"

"Maybe the fact that i don't eat everyday should hint you not to make food?"

 She shouts even more, and you're just getting lost, and can't focus on whatever the fuck that woman is saying. You just go on through the shouting and the fighting just like on a regular day, except it isn't just another regular day, it is, in fact, one of these days that will change your life forever, a day that will change everything to terms of: Before, and after. It's the day you lose the will to live... once again. The gap in your soul, that was getting bigger and bigger until she came in your life. Now that you're accustomed to the situation, let me put everything back in place, firstly, let's switch the "You" to "Me", yes, cause that's the person this... piece of writing is about. Secondly, all what you have read here in this chapter, was a description of a, day-to-day routine of a depressed, filled with anxiety, person. So let's go on back to the start of all of this, the start of this story, my story...