I wake up and look at the Sun burning. Outside. I found it beautiful how even though though the Moon loves the darkness it still sits in the Sun's light because it loves it so much. To have a Sun or to be someone's Sun must be beautiful. But sadly I felt like the moon as I lived in was darkness.
I got up and threw on my smile. I brushed through my dark brown hair and looked at the boy in the mirror staring back at me. I did not know him, but somehow I managed to fuck him up with my own mind.
I go downstairs greeted by my dog ( Turbo ) As I ran my fingers through his fur I asked myself if animals lived more peacefully as they had no words or society to live in.
Later on I decided to make a YouTube video. I turned on the camera with shaking hands and smiled my smile which to them was the Sun. While to myself was a costume I wore.
" Oh hey my name is Twaimz! " Twaimz was a side of me I showed. But it was not all of me. He felt like a friend but at the same time my worst enemy. He got me to where I was but at the same time he is not fully me. I am Issa. He got me love but he is not all there is to love. I was pretending to be this happy , flamboyant guy who was fake and in life I played him. It's like being in a play and being asked to stay in character 24/7. But all plays come to an end. And then your confused.
" who am I ? " I ask myself. Obviously I knew the answer. I just couldn't find it. I look into my own eyes trying to find a soul. I have dark, brown eyes which make people's heart melt. They are like the night and the stars in them outshine the rest.
Pretending to be this person was fucking with my head and I couldn't find who I was anymore.
I walk into my lounge and spot my dad ( Tony ) I sit next to him hoping he can cheer me up.
" Issa why do you look so sad ? "
" I don't know dad I just haven't really been feeling myself lately " a smile hints at my face. I loved my father and his accent. This one time I asked a woman to cancel all his Arabic TV channels because he was shitting on my new YouTube video.
" Try to be more positive ! Maybe that will help! "
His enthusiasm was painful. This other time we were out and he gave " sass " to a cop and she recognised me so we didn't get a ticket. Honestly he was like my living diary. All I had to do was look at him and memories were brought back.
" Just smile and try to be happy ! "
He wasn't getting it. No one did. I needed someone to tell me that I could cry if I needed to. If the only emotion you feel is sadness and it needs to be released then cry. Because smiling. Doing an action. Is not going to automatically make you happy. I needed a release.
I went up to my room and let me head sink into my pillow. Pretending it was someone of who I loved chest. I buried my head into it and let me tears fall like rain. My eyes were grey clouds and my tears were the rain. And I lived in the night time.
" Despite all the bad what is happening now. There is going to be happiness at the end what I would of never found if I had pretended to be happy. The more I let the emotions out the quicker it will be over " is what I told myself.
Was it true ?
Or was I the only comfort I had so I have put myself in this mindset were I have decided to be my own friend and to give myself my own comfort as no one else understands ?
It didn't seem to matter anymore. All what mattered was that one day I will be better
But not yet
