She walked into her room and quietly closed the door. Lingering next it, she began to slump to the ground; hands on her knees, head hung low. One by one, the tears ran down her cheeks and fell to the floor. A thousand thoughts ran through her mind as she struggled to keep her clarity. Everyone she thought cared left her all alone. Pulling up her sleeves, she ran her fingers across her arm as she looked at the faint pink scars. She thought she had made it. She thought it would all be okay. She thought her world could change. But it didn't.
She thought about how her parents had divorced then blamed her for all their problems. Useless. How her brother had abandoned her, leaving with her father who was never home. Pathetic. Her mind began screaming at her as the thoughts began to twist into something darker. Worthless. She began to think about how much she hated life and how if she wasn’t alive, everything would be better. At that, she stood up quickly pushing the thoughts aside and walked over to her desk. Opening the bottom drawer, she carefully pulled out a beat up wooden box with a small lock on it. Inside of it held her darkest secret; her past. The one thing she tried so desperately to escape, the thing that had help her captive each night, the thing that had ripped her life apart at the seams.
With trembling hands, she unfastened the lock and slowly opened the box as she stared at the cold steel blade inside. It had been months since she had even thought about this, but what else was there left to do in a time like this? She believed it was her only option. She knew it was one of the few things that could help forget. The voices would go silent and she would be fine again. Ever so gently, she picked up the blade and examined it. Instinctively, she looked to make sure no one was watching. Closing her eyes, she put the blade to her arm. The rush she felt was like no other. She was punishing herself for all the things she thought she had done and it felt good. The thoughts subsided as she finished the first line. The blood slowly trickled down her wrist and fell to the floor. As she opened her eyes to see what she had done, she was startled to see someone in front of her. She stood in panic, blade in hand, unable to move. She went to speak, but her voice was gone. She knew exactly who it was:
It was God...
Thoughts began racing through her mind again. How long had He been standing there? How much had He seen? Was he upset or disappointed in her? The blade slipped through her fingers and fell to the ground, as the feeling of shame and guilt began to settle in. Falling to her knees, she put her head in her hands as she began to cry. God walked over to her and gently put His hand on her shoulder which only made her cry harder. As she cried, God cried with her. It was the only thing she could manage to do and she knew she had screwed up this time. As the tears slowed, He reached out for her hand and slowly pulled her up off the ground. He looked into the eyes of a tear stained face, His broken child who felt all alone and all she could do was look down to the floor in shame.
"I let you down." She whispered.
God smiled and shook his head softly. "Daughter, you were never holding me up in the first place. I hold you." She drew in a sharp breath and looked at Him with a face full of pain and regret.
"But I failed you again!” She yelled, “I gave in just like I always do. Everything is my fault. It was always my fault. I hate myself and I can't... I can't..." she choked on her words as she began to sob again. Her head fell as she whispered, “I can’t do it. I can’t be who you want me to be. ” She felt awful. He saw it all happen and she knew she had messed up. She was a failure, just another screw-up, a mistake.
God lifted her face and wiped away her tears. Placing His hands on her shoulders, His face grew serious as He looked into her eyes and spoke gently yet firmly,
"Listen to me. You are not a failure and you mean too much to me for me to let you to think that way.”
“But I…”
“No, it is not your fault, you caused nothing. Listen to me child; it was never your fault. I will replace the hatred you feel for yourself with my love. My love is never ending and no matter how many times you fall, I will always be there to catch you. I will always set you back on your feet. Don't ever forget that. I will never leave you alone. No matter how dark the day may be, I am right there beside you. All you have to do is reach for my hand and I will guide you. I promise to always love you, even when you are at your darkest. I will never leave you, I will never abandon you and I will never ever stop loving you. I promise."
His words hung in the air as she stared into His eyes, desperately wanting to believe Him. She couldn’t understand why He would even want her when no one else did. Sensing her inner struggle, He took a step back as her watched her process what had been said.
“You… You still want me?” she asked in disbelief.
“Why would I not?” He replied.
“I just though, because… because I’ve caused so many problems, you wouldn’t want me. I thought, maybe I was bothersome and useless.” She stared at the ground as she waited once again for a response.
Instead of words, God closed the gap between them and embraced her. Startled at his response she froze. She began to realize that she couldn’t so anything. God had given her grace and even though she knew she didn’t deserve it, she took it anyway. All the lies seemed to melt away and she finally understood that everything was going to be okay. She was free. There was no “I told you so”, only the sweet feeling of forgiveness and acceptance. She felt like she could breathe again.
Closing her eyes, she wrapped her arms around Him as He held her close. She no longer felt lost or forgotten, but for once in her life she felt happy. As she opened her eyes, she noticed the blood from her wrist had smeared all over God’s shirt. Embarrassed, she pulled back, putting her hands to her mouth as she stared in shock at what she’d just done. God looked down and smirked simply saying,
“It’s just a shirt.”
Reaching for her arm, He grabbed her wrist gently and examined it carefully. He lifted His eyes just enough to see hers as he spoke sweetly;
“Now, let’s take care of that cut on your arm.”
