Pointless

Digging and Reaching

Hello. I am anonymous... a nameless face in a crowd of people striving for greatness. Or a blank slate in a forest full of color.

tell me, am I truly the only one that feels this way most days?

Most days I get this extreme urge to just throw a glass at a brick wall. A glass filled with my self pride, and my ego, my self worth and or lack there of. And watch it shatter! Shatter into a million pieces and scatter as they fall. Most days I feel like punching my fist through a wall and kicking my shoe through the door. Banging my head against the head of my bed. And forgetting everything that I've ever said.

I tend to get angry. I tend to get angry at things that I should get angry about, but only for a split second, and then I let it go. I tend to get angry at things that I shouldn't get angry about. And I stay angry and there's nothing I can do but hold in my screams and clench my fist. Bite my lip and taste blood, but it heals as it always does. I tend to let the big things go... or at least I think I do; but the reality is that all it does is go deep down and hide it's self, until I'm holding my breath so hard that I turn purple and start to lose consciousness from the lack of oxygen reaching my brain. Now tell me, do I sound sane? because on the out side I'm normal. I'm the average american girl personified. The not too skinny not too fat, not too tan not too white. Not too dumb not too smart, not too dim not too bright.

I'm scared a lot of the time, I'm scared of the things that I can not control, I'm scared of the things that I do not know and I'm scared of playing the game.

So many people recite this quote; "don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game", only problem is that does not apply to those that are unfamiler with the game.

Noobs can't be sized up since they aren't on the same page. Yet that doesn't stop society anyway. I'm a fault, I'm the weaker link because I'm not used to it or I'm not on the same rank because I am new and unexprienced in the field. I can't compare with those that have been doing this their whole life and know the game by heart. I can not be contrasted with someone that I can not relate to, at the same time, I can not be told I must be that person, that person that is not in the mirror, not in my mirror. I can not be that person that is gold in your eyes. I can not be that person that is glowing in mine. I'm not that person and no amount of work or struggle will make me it.

I am weak. I am broken, I am lost, But I'm not forgotten.

I am forced to play this role and see it to the end. See the finish line, and wave, and smile as I inch towards it and keep towards it, careful not to stray from it.

I put my self on this path, as did those around me, and they all are looking straight at me, making sure I stay on it, but the thing is, there's no turning back now anyway. I have dug my self such a deep hole that I officially have no way out except to keep digging. That is unless I grew wings. Or had someone that would throw me a rope, and hold that rope until I was safely above ground. But I can't rely on someone to do that. And I can not grow wings for they will take me too high and disappoint those that count on me. So here I am. Digging and hoping, digging and reaching for that pie in the sky that I hope and dream that one day I may reach.