hina wa mitsuiro

oneshot

Hagio shinobu
Tachibana kou
Only one word can describe kou now, desperate. “shinobu! Shinobu! Where are you?” he is shouting as he run around the train terminal. He realizes that what he has done was a jerk move, no, even more than that, he deserves to be left by shinobu. But the only thing is that he also realizes that shinobu has left him with his heart. 
Kou mustered up all the remaining energy left inside of him. He haven’t had enough sleep, haven’t had any food, and to boot it all up, he was working like mad to make himself forget. To no think about anything. “shinobu, please! Shinobu!” but then he can see everything went blurred. His knees wobbled and with that he is down to his knees. 
this is it. I’m never going to be able to meet shinobu again. I deserve this. 
Being the ever calculative kou, he knows that net he would be meeting with the solid hard floor, and closed his eyes. But he didn’t expected a firm grip on his shoulder and his back, supporting him. This warmth. Kou opened his eyes. “tachibana-san!? Tachibana-san are you okay?” 
Kou’s eyes widened, he went for a hug and surprisingly shinobu didn’t push him away. “shinobu! It’s really you! Please don’t tell me this is a dream.” Kou pull away to double checked once again. To be sure it was really shinobu and not just his mere imagination. 
“let’s not do this here. People are looking” shinobu looked down, avoiding any eye contact. Kou suddenly felt a lump was pushed in his throat, not moving at all. “I-I’m sorry. Could we- could we have a talk. Please.” Kou seeking for a yes. No. Pleading. He was pushing his luck. 
Kou could heard a sigh escaping shinobu’s lips, kou could only closed his eyes tightly and wishes that shinobu won’t say the ending phrase. “let’s get you something to eat first. We’’ll talk as you eat, ok?” kou was surprised that shinobu had really agreed to have a talk. He would do anything to make things up. He would do anything for kou to accept him back. Shinobu stood up and held out his hand. Kou shakingly accepted it. 
there was something making sound. There was something smelt nice. Kou slowly opened his eyes, adjusting to the light. He sat up and examined the surrounding. Realizing it was his house. He rubbed his head. Trying to soothe the pain away. “oh, you are awake. I was about to wake you up. Here have some of this porridge and take your medicine. Sorry it might not taste well and I used stuff from you kitchen” shinobu came in. kou took a long time gazing at the new shinobu. He knew all along that shinobu was handsome and cute., but now looking again, shinobu had loose some weight. Why?
Shinobu had sat down on a chair near the bed. The room was occupied with silence. “shinobu.” Kou called out. “you should take care of yourself more, tachibana-san” it felt like kou’s heart being squeeze as the coldness of shinobu’s word registered to his mind. Him not calling kou, kou anymore. 
I need to fix this. I need shinobu. I love him. 
Kou stood up and he was facing the sitting shinobu. 
“shinobu, I am so sorry for what I have done to you. Yes I have no right to apologize to you. I have no right to even be standing here in front of you. I am just a man who has done shitty stuff. No. even worse. i.. I played with your heart and seriously for that I am sorry. I thought that it would be the usual. But no. you had become precious for me. Every day I was reminded about you. I hurt you. I am sorry. But still shinobu.. I love you. I am so sorry. I love you. Please. Please. I need you. My heart has been taken by you.” 
Kou’s face was already a mess with his tears. 
“kou”
Kou lifted his head. 
“on that last night we had together. I realized that your words were empty, but even so, I wanted your warmth. All of it, the time I spent with you. I have never regretted ever meeting you. All of it. I have taken it as a precious memory. As I realized also, that I was merely one of your toy, I thought to myself, maybe that I’m just not suited to be reciprocate-“
“no! shinobu! I-“
“wait. Let me finish. But because of you now I can have courage and confident to stand tall. Thank you for that. I.. I don’t know if I can be in love with you anymore. I don’t know if I am still in love with you or not. I am sorry kou. I think that it s better for you to find someone else”
Kou held shinobu’s hand tightly “no shinobu. You said you don’t know. Err- let’s just try it ou. No! I will make you happy this time. Seriously! This feeling is just for you. Not anyone else.”
“kou. I am sorry. I don’t want to be involved with love anymore. I had enough good memories. I also got my ideal date. And for that thank you kou. But I am sorry. I will leave now. So rest up okay”
Shinobu got up and collected his stuff. Kou hold onto one of his hand. “at least stay the night. You missed the train right. So where do you think you are going?” kou said with his head down
“I could just find a hotel for the night and take the early train. Don’t worry about me”
“is it that painful to be near me? I am sorry shinobu. I am a dickhead” 
“no. you don’t need to apologize. I just.. I need to go” 
With that everything had gone. Shinobu. The warmth of his hand. The kindness. The hope that kou had. Everything was gone. 
It has been a month since then. Kou hasn’t gotten over it. He still loves shinobu. And he will always be. 
The door to kou’s office suddenly was barged. “why didn’t you kno-“ kou haven’t finished his sentence but everything went crashing as he receive the news. “tachibana-san! Tachibana-san! Hagio-hagio-kun is dead!”
Everything went black. He thought about to love shinobu from afar. To just have this feeling for him. To just see him once a while when he has a meeting here. But no. seems like even that he doesn’t deserve it. But still. Shinobu wasn’t supposed to be dead. 
“I was told to give you this letter frm shinobu if any news were to arrive. It as if he knew all along”
“you can leave”
“I will leave this here”
Dear kou,
I was diagnosed with cancer. Brain. A little after I transfer, and when I knew about it, it was already at a stage where it can’t be cured. Here I am writing to tell you once again I am grateful that I have met you. Never once have crossed my mind that meeting you was unlucky of me. By meeting you, now I can be myself, by meeting you I can experience an ideal date, by meeting with you I know what is to be loved. Though that was only my one-sided thought. when we meet previously, you said you love me. And I told you that I don’t know if I’m still in love or not. I’m sorry. I was lying. Even though you aren’t in love with me, I will and still in love with you. But. I can’t be selfish. Being with me is going to hurt you more. So. I wish that love. You could gave it to another one. Please treat them gently. I wish for your happiness kou.
Kou can never see anything. The man he played with, till his final breathe still thinking about him. The fact that he can’t be with him when he letout his last breathe. All of this pain him. And never again. Love. Kou has shut his heart forever. 
He needs shinobu. Thus. He will follow him. Kou took an everlasting sleep. To chase after shinobu.