D.T/Deep Thoughts

chapter 3 : the talk

Everything must have a cause, and a name. Every random thought must have a root in something else.
Derek landy
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So Iris , how have you been ?
_ Great , i guess . I responded
_ mmhmm mmhmm , that's good . And why is that ? She asked again
_ I just learnt that the painting i submitted to the jury was excepted. The portrait will be presented at the art exhibition this week .
She bowed her head , scribbled something on her notebook , and she looked at me again and said :
_ I'm happy for you Iris , you deserve it . So tell me , who's the lucky person to be on the portrait ?
_ A woman . I retorted
_ A woman ? Have you known her before or is she a stranger ? And why a portrait ?
She asked looking at me straight in the eyes . It was creepy and intimidating .
_ she was ... a stranger , i hesitated but i continued , i don't know , i just felt like it . As a change .
She didn't say a word . I averted my gaze from hers and took a glance at her office . God , it's in desperate need of a renovation , maybe i should suggest it ...
The doctor cleared her throat to caught my attention , and asked once again
_ Have you made any friends at school ?
_ No , i did not . I don't care really , it doesn't bother me anyways .
_ and why is that ? Do you feel intimidated by people ? Or are you just pushing them off ?
This is pur torture , why in the hell do i keep coming back here ?!!
_ i honestly don't know . I answered back .
_ So why don't you make the first move , instead of waiting for others to come to you . Maybe people are just waiting for you to give them a signal . She suggested.
Huhh , easier said than done i wanted to fire back but instead i revealed :
_ i tried since day 1 in kindergarten . But nothing worked . I eventually gave up . I was only making a fool of myself . I was classified as an outcast and it never changed .
People never bothered to really get to know me , they only judged . That really disturbed me , it hurts a lot at first , i cried day and night during my teenage years . I had no friend and no boy dared talk to me .
And then i felt in love with art , with painting . And that's how i coped with the issue . Brushes , colors , canvas became my friends .
And now as i look back at those years , it stings a little , i must admit , but i feel no remorse . I rather be "the lonely weird girl with the sketchbook " than " the popular bitch girl with the blond hair " .
_ People change Iris and the main reason for that is guilt . The same people at college might not be the same people in high school. We learn from our mistakes , we redeem ourselves. We grow . It takes time and some of us will make the same mistakes again and that's okay . It's the only way for learning . We should not judge ourselves or anyone else for their past , but we should give them and give ourselves a chance . So try harder Iris . I hope you come to me with good news next session .
Damn this doctor is so good !
I smiled to her . Having the talk with her makes me always feel good .
_ Okay , i promise I'll try harder . I answered. I want to ask you for something , can you please prescribe me some sleeping pills ?
I crossed my fingers and prayed " say yes , say yes , say yes , please say yes "
_ No ! We discussed that before .
That was harsh , it almost broke my heart .
She gave me last year a bottle that was supposed to last a month , but it made it only through a week ! May that bottle rest in peace , it did a pretty good work .
_ and why didn't you tell me that you're having nightmares again !? That's the first thing we will discuss next week .
GREAT , JUST GREAT ! Why couldn't i keep my mouth shut .
I'm just so stupid sometimes ...

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Hello everyone ,
these past few days , i've been obsessed with kendrick lamar and khalid ! Their music is DOPE 😍😍
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Xoxo