I woke up at ten the next morning, making sure my mother had already left for work. Slowly I trudged down the stairs and into the kitchen, my stomach growling fiercly. When I reached the door to the fridge, I stared at a note, bleary-eyed, that was stuck to the handle with a magnet in the shape of a V for Virginia.
"Virginia- I left you a blueberry muffin in the freezer for breakfast, and there's some lasagna left over for lunch-- don't eat it all! xox-Mom." I stared at the note indignantly. Mom had the most fascinating way of insulting me while acting like a loving and caring mother. Removing the note, I crumpled it into a small ball, and then hurled it into the trash.
When I opened the fridge, I saw the lasagna, front and center. To the left of the lasagna sat the carton of eggs. Hesitating, I slowly reached for the eggs, my stomach letting out a low grumble in protest. Where the hell are the pans in this house? I wondered to myself, wanting to eat something as soon as possible. Five minutes of my gurgling stomach passed before I was finally able to locate a pan and crack two eggs.
A low sizzle from the eggs reached my ears and I willed the stove to heat them faster. To occupy myself, I began making the smoothie, using the magazine article as a guide. I needed egg whites, spinach, strawberries, kiwis, 2% milk and ice. I wrinkled my nose at the combination. Slowly, I began rummaging for the ingredients, and then once I had them all lined up perfectly on the counter, it occurred to me. Do we even own a blender? A half hour later I figured out that we didn't.
The stove started beeping and the eggs stopped sizzling suddenly. Great, at least the eggs are done, I thought to myself dully. I gobbled the first egg within about ten seconds, and then I stopped abruptly and stared at the clock on the microwave, who's bright digital numbers told me that it was 11:18am. This is my meal for the whole day, save the egg for later, I told myself sternly. I blinked, as if just realizing where I was. The yellow yolk of the egg seemed to stare me in the eye and it suddenly hit me. This is it, for the entire day my meal plan is a couple of eggs and a smoothie I can't even freaking make.
Something switched in my mind and I started laughing hysterically. Once I'd started I couldn't stop. I was so freaking stupid. What had possessed me to believe I could possibly pull this off? Within moments my shrieks of laughter turned to tears of despair. I'm so freaking stupid. I couldn't have honestly thought I'd be able to do it. I'm too fat. I'll never be able to look like all of the pretty girls in my school. I'll always be the one who has to wear sweatpants in the summer because I don't want anyone to look at my thighs rubbing together every time I took a step.
I ate the second egg, put all of the smoothie ingredients away, and grabbed the blueberry muffin and lasagna, tossing them both into the microwave. When the familiar beeping of cooked food filled the air, I settled in at the kitchen table and did what I do best. I binge ate. Within minutes the muffin was gone, and then a serving worth of lasagna was devoured. I thought of the note I'd crumpled up that sat at the top of the garbage: "... There's some lasagna left over for lunch-- don't eat it all! xox- Mom."
My stomach was full already but I felt the sick need to keep eating. Don't you know your daughter well enough yet, mom? One serving will never be enough. The tears continued to stream down my face as I took another serving of lasagna. Halfway through my third slice, I looked over at the tin tray containing the last of the lasagna and simply stuck my fork into it, eating straight from the tray until only some stray sauce and cheese was left behind. My stomach was ready to burst, my eyes were burning and bloodshot, and my head pounded. I opened my mouth and my eyes widened.
Helplessly, I ran at top speed toward the bathroom and reached the toilet just in time. I retched, my body convulsing and sweat beading at the top of my forehead. When I was finished, I sat on the tile floor until the feeling of nausea retreated from the back of my throat.
