soul of akio

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     I walked out of school on Friday, shivering from the cold. I had always hated the cold. It makes me feel pathetic, knowing I didn't have the power to stop it. I hate feeling pathetic, even though I know I am. I like to keep up the illusion that I'm strong and that I matter, but I'm not. These are just the things that I tell myself to make me get out of bed in the morning, things that I make myself believe so I don't lose hope. "Lose hope in what?" You may ask. That's an easy question to answer. Myself.
     I smashed the palm of my hand into my forehead. I really need to stop doing that. I always start over thinking my life in the middle of simple things. Like walking to school, or going to sleep. I guess it's because I can't be left alone with the silence, only my thoughts and emotions to dwell on.
      Loud footsteps sounded behind me. "Wait up, Akio!" A familiar female voice whined.
      I was already a long ways away from the school when Saya finally caught up. I stopped walking and waited. She stood in front of me, her face strawberry red. "You should really slow down! It took me forever to catch up!" She stuck her bottom lip out and crossed her arms. "Besides, you know I have to sweep the classroom at the end of the day."
     "Calm down. Besides, running all that way is good exercise." I smiled a little and continued walking, toying with her.
     She walked beside me and I could practically feel her pouting although I didn't avert my gaze from the road in front of us. "Stop acting like my gym teacher. Besides, I already have a good figure." I looked over at Saya and saw her posing. I just stared.

     She clearly noticed me staring for way too long. She got much closer to my face, a mischievous grin plastered across her face. "What's that look? Is the great Akio falling for little ol' me?"
     I shook my head and closed my eyes. Something must be wrong with me. I think of her as a sister. I always have and I always will. But even as I told myself that over and over, I started not to believe it. I continued walking.
"Huh?" She said, studying my face, clearly confused. Then her mischievous grin returned. "Just now realizing your feelings for me?"
     Surprise was written all over my face although I tried to hide it. She slapped me on the back. "You're so easy to read!" Saya was practically dying of laughter.
     "Pay more attention. We're passing your street." I said in a low voice.
     "Alright!" She started skipping along the other street. "Cya tomorrow!" She turned and gave a small wave and smiled before continuing.
     Normally, I would just move on, keep walking. Normally, my heart wouldn't have skipped a beat when she smiled at me. But no. There I stood, watching her walk away as my heart pounded against my rib cage.

18:30

     As I lay in bed, thousands of thoughts and questions run through my head. Some were like these:

Why did my heart pound like that?
Why did my chest feel so tight?
Why did I feel so self-conscious?

     And others were like this one:

I wonder if she likes me...

     I mentally scolded myself. I hate not being in control of my emotions. It's another thing that makes me feel pathetic. If I can't control my emotions, that what could I possibly control in this crazy world?
     "Akio! Come eat your dinner before I do!" My mom yelled from downstairs.
I wandered downstairs, no sense of urgency. During dinner, I poked my udon noodles a few times, took a nibble off of my onigiri.
     "What's wrong?" My mom looked at my food and saw I've barely eaten anything.
     I frowned. "I'm not sure." And with that, I ran back upstairs. I locked my door and collapsed into bed. I grabbed my phone and started typing a message to Saya.
     "Want to hang out?" I typed. My finger hovered over the send button. I deleted it all and began typing again.
     "I need to tell you something. Can we talk?" Delete.
I'm such an idiot... I can't send any of those things. But even if I did talk to her... what would I say? I have unsure feelings and I hope this will resolve them? I'm such an idiot. I threw my phone against my wall.
     I can't tell her about this... she's pretty much my only friend. If I tell her, and she doesn't feel the same way... then it's all over. Wait! What am I talking about?! I'm not telling her! I never will! Because I'm not in love. She's like a sister. That's all she was, is, and ever will be.
And then I heard my phone ring loudly across my room. I got up lazily and turned the screen over to see who was calling me.

Saya

A/N
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