Deeply Lucid

i // at hell's very gate

I'm not ready for this...

I'm not ready for this....

I'm not ready for this.

I stand alone under a grand arch, aureate during its prime. The gateway to my lovely school, open once again. Its letters in blackened rust read: "Briarwood High".

Hordes of students conglomerate into the small concrete courtyard, bustling to get into the wizened concrete building. The entire crowd is split per usual into groups of friends, into cliques. Most groups of friends in the school are students that already knew each other from elementary school or middle school.

It's the easy way out of finding friends at high school, but who could blame them? Making friends with somebody out of 2,000 other students is a difficult task, period. Thus, everyone has a group or two-maybe even more if you're lucky or just that amicable-they belonged to. Everyone except me, to say the least.

Now, let me be frank; I'm not the girl who was always alone, or the girl that was constantly bullied, or the girl with a scandalous history. It's not as if I didn't hang out with people. It's just hard to have a set group of friends when you meet so many people that you never got around to becoming better friends with them all.

Instead of making some friends, unfortunately, you make a ton of acquaintances. With all those acquaintances, it's hard to choose a main group to associate yourself with. So why not be a part of every group by not 'belonging' to any group?

Which takes me back to being alone under that stupid arch, on the verge of starting junior year.

I sigh with dismay as the wind brush waves of my umber hair against my sun-kissed face. Staring into space along the walk to enter the school, thinking maybe I could turn back and malinger rather than suffer at the hands of education today.

Great, I let myself get depressed at the thought of even going inside school, let alone being in class.

Earlier this morning, I tried to be more ecstatic and confident about the first day of school. I tried, dressing up fashionably in a pristine white, lacy romper and a olive utility jacket. I tried, styling my hair in a messy bun with a daisy headband on top.

I tried, letting my gold cross necklace and my turquoise amulet hang as I was tying my lucky ivory Chuck Taylor's to my feet.

It's only now that I realize all those times I tried were tries to recover from this summer and I realize how it continues to devour my soul even now, ripping away piece by piece.

The dozens of bohemian silver rings on my fingers and the sheer black polka dotted tights glued onto my legs wouldn't make up for it. Neither would a pair of sleek aviators or the gleaming smiles I give to make myself feel like I am okay.

Music helps to drown out all the lachrymose agony my body ached with, to lull and soothe the multiple scars freshly inflicted on my weary heart. But all I've truly done was immerse myself in the words of the passive-aggressive, the very words that convulses out my thoughts every step I take.

Because as soon as I walk through those glass double-doors, everything inside of me sunk and reality slapped me in the face, saying,

"Today is the start of your personal hell and you're trapped until the very end of it all."

Bing! Bing!

Startled by the tintinnabulation, I search through my sandy knapsack with surprise in my eyes for my iPhone.

The unscathed screen read:

Louisa

ayyy lissy

have fun at school okay? wanna meet up after school at the usual spot?

Ellie

haiii lissy, good luck today! <3

I beamed at the text with a wide grin. Lou and Ellie always knew how to cheer me up and keep me moving.

Louisa and Ellie are people I most definitely consider to be my best friends. Ellie used to be my best friend in school; that is, until sophomore year, since she transferred out to the arts academy down the street. We still were best buds, just with a lesser grip when it comes to getting a hold on each other.

When it comes to Louisa, our friendship remained strong, even though we met at Ellie's birthday party in the seventh grade. In the beginning, we didn't talk so much because we were both shy girls at the time.

Over time, the three of us connected as a group. Lou and I couldn't get enough of each other's enthusiastic atmosphere before, but, when we found out we had similar taste in music, we instantly became inseparable.

I was glad to know Ellie and Lou still regard me as someone of so much significance in their lives that they would text me on my first day for moral support. Thus, I whipped out my mobile device to return the favor and encourage them to do well today too.

To: Ellie

thanks el! <3 you better kick ass with your crazy art skills today!

To: Louisa

thanks bae just make sure you write your heart this year and don't get hooked on schoolwork!

I'd love to hang, see you there at 3

The idea of seeing Lou gave me some comfort knowing that at the end of the day I could relax in her presence and be myself, wondering about the limits of life aimlessly till there was no tomorrow. Probably sipping on a French vanilla hot chocolate or some lovely orange soda.

My friends' heartwarming texts caused confidence to suffuse around the very fiber of my being. With not as much as a single sign of nervousness, I walk up the marble flights of stairs and enter the first floor to witness the domain of seniors and juniors. A domain which I now claim and share with almost 800 other students.

Either potentially peacefully or completely chaotic.