Reading the Music

Just a Number

197lbs

"She's so fat."
"Look at those rolls!"
"Are you really going to eat that?"
"Have you ever exercised a day in your life?"
"Your body fat percentage is 45%."
"She's more than chubby, she's enormous!"
They're right. I'm so fat. I'm ugly. I can't even look in the mirror shirtless without crying.  I need to get ahold of myself.

190lbs

"This girl is ridiculous."
"She's so fat!"
"Did you hear? She's going on a no sweets diet. And she thinks it will work?"
"She will never get a boyfriend with a body like that."
All I'm doing is making a fool of myself. I need to change and somehow be less ugly and fat.

173lbs

"She's kind of cute if you're desperate."
"She's still fat."
"Wow you run slow."
"Looks like she might actually be putting some effort into herself."
"You aren't as fat anymore, you shouldn't be eating that!"
"She's still to fat to be attractive."
I must run faster. I must lift more. I must eat less. I am a failure. I need to try harder.

155lbs
"She's kind of chubby, isn't she?"
"You've lost weight!"
"Why aren't you going to eat that?"
"You're too fat though."
"That's not going to fit you."
"Why are you running again?"
I still have rolls of fat and I'm still ugly. I need to add another run to my daily routine and cut out all fruits, they are full of natural sugars too.

139lbs

"I could see her getting a date to the dance."
"You look lovely in curves!"
"Remember when you were fat?"
"Are you going to eat anything?"
"I'm in track and field and the amount of running you do makes me look weak!"
I must lose more weight. Curves are not good enough, I can hold fat on my stomach. My stomach is covered in stretch Marcus and I'm running out of toothpaste.

130lbs

"You look awfully tired."
"How is your hair so thin?"
"Wow you're so skinny and healthy!"
"I wish I was this skinny."
"You're so pretty!"
I'm not pretty enough. In fact, I'm ugly. I'm never going to marry because of it but that's fine because I won't be having children; I don't remember the last time I had my period. I haven't eaten since yesterday's breakfast consisting of a glass of water and half of an apple: 145 calories.

118lbs

"Why don't you ever go to ice cream with us?"
"You look exhausted!"
"You're so skinny!"
"How are you cold right now?"
"You're still ugly. Don't think eating a bit less will do anything."
I'm still ugly. I need to try harder. Not only am I fat, I'm weak; I can barely run or lift anymore. I'm out of toothpaste and I can taste vomit in my mouth, I shouldn't have eaten.

103lbs

"Goodness you need a cheeseburger!"
"You shouldn't have done that."
"You can't even lift."
"You're beautiful."
"Keep up on the diet, you're so dedicated!"
I'm ugly and fat and stupid and I can't be seen in public, I'll only embarrass myself. I need to lose weight, but I'm so hungry. I keep feeling faint every time I stand up, maybe I should drink a glass of water, but I can't.

95lbs

"We should have seen the signs."
"You are in critical condition both mentally and physically and will not be leaving the hospital until you are better."
"She's so stupid."
"You could have died."
"How could she do this too me?"
Maybe I don't want to get better. Maybe I can't eat without throwing up and I need to exercise but every time I do I pass out. Maybe I should just die.

94lbs

"She isn't getting any better."
"How could she be so stupid and weak?"
"Why won't you listen to the professionals?"
"Will she ever get better?"
All these people are messed up too. I'messed up. This isn't helping. I've had 312 calories today.

101lbs

"She's getting better!"
"She's so disturbingly skinny."
"Finally!"
"This girl is crazy."
"If you keep this up and meet our goal, you can leave and just do therapy and your meal plan."
Maybe there's a chance I can do this. If I get better I will be able to go outside and I am hungry. Maybe I can eat this roll.

98lbs

"I knew she couldn't do it."
"It's so simple, why can't you just eat and live!"
"Still ugly."
"There goes all hope for her."
"You can still get back on track!"
I knew I couldn't do it, and here I am failing at life again. I never stopped. I need to get out of here. I think I need to get better.

107lbs
"Maybe she can come home soon!"
"All she wants is attention."
"Too bad she doesn't have any curves."
"Keep up the good work!"
"You will never get better."
I think I can do this. This food still makes me throw up but I just ate breakfast and I don't feel guilty. I can do a push-up without blacking out, but either way I don't need to do them excessively.

130lbs
"I can't believe she did it!"
"You look so pretty."
"You're a healthy skinny."
"Now you have chubs again."
"I always told her to believe in her beautiful self!"
I am okay. I am getting better, I ate a slice of pizza and went on a walk. I may not be gorgeous but I don't need to be. I accomplished something and I am alive. For once, being a live is a blessing.

132lbs

"She totally did all that for attention."
"She's going to get fat agin."
"You are beautiful."
"Eat this cake, lets celebrate!"
Maybe I was right all along. I can't eat that, it's 290 calories. What am I doing with my life?

Anorexia Nervosa is not a joke. Many people have this and it even kills people. Other mental health issues arise along with it. See the signs in yourself or others and get help. Sometimes people relapse, sometimes people die, but a lot of people get better. This is my entry for Hannahsue's writing contest.