A Story From the Deep End

Brings All the Boys to the Yard

"That sunburn looks horrible," I said to Nate, who was sitting next to me- the two of us looking at pictures on his phone. I had touched is arm, and noting the change from white to red that it took, I was surprised he hadn't flinched when I did.

"Yeah, but I mean, at least it'll turn into a tan," he said, still flipping through photos.

"Not that you would understand that, right Kelly?" joked Jason from across the room.

"Actually, if you didn't notice," I joked back, "I did tan this weekend, and I've gotten at least another shade darker."

"Yeah," he said with a withering smile. "I actually did notice."

"Did you?" I laughed.

"Yeah, but your still nothing compared to me."

"Well," I said, moving from my seat and finding an empty rolling chair a few steps away. I sat down and pushed off, rolling -slightly faster than I had anticipated- down the row of computers. My chair clashed into his, and I chuckled as I bounced off him. "Let's see!"

We both extended our arms out to show off our tans, although my "tan" had only changed me from my normal state of white to a mild sesame-white. I never had any success with tanning, and if I got sunburn, I would peel and never get a bit of color. Small amounts of tanning were necessary; It was that or SPF 70+.

I liked how small my arm looked so small next to his. I loved sitting with Jason, partly because I had an uncontrollable crush on him, but also partly because he was bigger than I was. It made me feel smaller and more feminine- a feeling I didn't get with most people, and I treasured it. In my current state, I stood six feet tall, with a thick athletic build, but my entire life I'd been bigger than most people. I learned at a young age that my size intimidated most of my peers. When I was a kid, children my own age and even older would be scared of me because of how big I was, and paired with my enthusiasm, I was overbearing for most people. I learned to live with my height though; especially once boys started getting growth spurts in fifth grade. My entire life I had always hung around with boys anyway, mostly because I had always had a distinct hatred for the constant sharing of lip-gloss flavors and the emphasis girls placed on their clothing and the "Juicy" brand-name across their butt. Boys were something I gravitated to, playing basketball with them every day during recess, and cracking yo-mama jokes with them at lunch. They treated me like "one of the boys" and I coveted the title of tom-boy that girls used to try and poke fun at me.

With my large posse of boys, I gradually developed a large group of girls that despised me, mostly because I was good friends with the boys they liked. It was true that a few of the boys had some feelings for me, though, but I never thought of them in that way. They were always just my friends- and I wanted it to stay that way. But then towards the end of sixth grade people started to ask if me and my guy-friends were dating. It started off as small whispers at the end of the day as we walked each other to our buses, which I tried my best to ignore; but then people just started asking us. One day, a good friend of mine named Miles and I were walking down the hall and walked into a group of his friends. We talked to them for a minute and Miles introduced me, but then, out of the blue, one of them asked: "So are the two of you a thing?"

I had no idea what he meant, and I looked over at Miles, who was staring back at me, wide eyes and an unsure smile. I looked back at the boy, and asked him what he meant.

"A couple?" he cleared up, a judgmental tone in his voice. I looked over at Miles, an expectant look on his face, something I could only describe at that age as craving- the childhood level of lust. He made no effort to answer the question, and suddenly I was angry.

"No, we are not a couple!" I shouted at him, and as the boy's face twisted in confusion as Miles' eyes filled with embarrassment.

"We're just friends..." I said, emphasizing friends as I turned to Miles. I took a step back and turned, almost desperate enough to start running, but holding back. Then, as casually as I could manage, I yelled over my shoulder-"See you tomorrow, Miles!"

I got on the bus, embarrassed and betrayed. I couldn't understand why he'd done what he did. The look on Miles' face made it seem like he had wanted me to be his girlfriend. When I got home I went up to my room, trying to sort it out clearly; Instead I ended up crying. I didn't talk to him the next day. In fact, I never said much to him after that. There were only questions passed between glances and hellos filled with regret.

Sitting with Jason, and even with some of the other guys in class, filled me with nostalgia. After going through circumstances similar to the one with Miles, I had cut off most of the ties with my guy friends. Sometimes I regretted it, but drafting class was a way to relive those fond connections with the male species.

"Well," said Jason. "You are a few shades darker, but you have a long way to go." His eyes met mine and he smiled, but I turned away, embarrassed and feeling a blush coming on.

I pulled out my phone, and started to scroll through my photos, deleting the duds. I succeeded in deleting a few before Jason turned to me.

"I saw you walking by my house the other day," he said, with a smile.

"Oh really?" I asked, acting as if I didn't know what he was talking about. I went on walks quite often, and I had discovered over winter break that he lived in one of the houses I walked by. I knew which one his house was, but I liked to pretend that I didn't know- just to make him crazy.

"Yeah. I have a window in my living room facing the street, and I saw a tall girl walking by. I walked up to the window and realized it was you as you walked away."

"If you were looking at my back, how'd you know it was me?" I asked with a sly smile.

He twisted his face a bit, trying to decide what to say. "Well, I mean, I guess by the way you walk, and the way your hair looks, and your figure..."

He dropped his sentence awkwardly, and I looked over at him with laughing eyes. "Well, thanks for noticing."