Turhaa ja turhempaa

Can't let go

I knew I loved him, I always did. Maybe I just loved him little too much.

After I had left the hospital, I headed home. Just to realize how alone I really was. At that time, I did just feel horrible and empty. I had read many stories about how people usually were shocked and didn't feel anything a while after they'd lost their loved ones.

I wasn't like that. I felt more than ever. Sadness, pain, frustration and loneliness. I went to bed, and surprisingly, fell asleep. Next few days I just cried. I never thought I could cry so much, but every time I thought there were no tears left anymore, he came to my mind again. All the memories just drowned me into deeper sadness and loneliness.

His cute accent, handsome looks, small hands, fluffy hair, warm hugs, soft lips, little high-pitched voice and the cutest smile ever. I remembered all the times he had comforted me, made me smile and feel like I really was loved. Every time I looked at him, I just fell in deeper love with him.

He was the best thing that had ever happened to me. He was so beautiful, almost surreal. There were many times I had wondered why he loved me, when he could easily get any girl in the world. But when he looked at me with those dark, narrow eyes filled with love, like I was the most beautiful creature in the world, and smiled at me, I believed.

He was never satisfied with himself, and of course, he wasn't perfect, but still I loved him like crazy, and always comforted him whenever he was disappointed on himself. At those times, when I hugged him tight and whispered kind words to his ear to make him feel better, I looked at him and wondered how that beautiful, hardworking boy could never be happy with himself. He failed, and made mistakes like everyone else, but to me he still was closer to perfection than anything I had ever seen.

He was an actual angel. Always there for everyone else, always taking care of others before himself. No matter how tired he was, or how bad he felt, he always helped others. His friends, me and even strangers. As expected, sometimes it was just too much for him. When that happened, I always forced him to take a break and have time for himself. I worried about him a lot. And we argued about that a few times. He said that I shouldn't worry for him and just take care of myself, and that got me real angry, because he usually was the one not taking care of himself.

He worked hard, and he worked a lot. There was many times he didn't get enough sleep. Sometimes, when he came home, he was so tired he even forgot to eat, and he just fell asleep instantly.

He was busy, but we were happy even though. I didn't mind it, I had my own projects that took me a lot of time and attention. We tried to support each others as much as we could. I went to watch his performances and he always listened carefully when I showed him my projects. Our relationship maybe wasn't usual, but it still was one of the best things in my life. I really hadn't had any serious relationships before, so all of that was new to me. He made it easy for me though. To fall for him. The most surprising thing was that he seemed to fall for me too.

We were together for almost a year. That may sound like a long time when it came to us, who still were pretty young, but for me, it was way too short. At least when it ended like this. There were so many things that I wanted to say to him but now, I couldn't. He wasn't here anymore. That perfect boy was gone. Forever.

"Don't you ever dare to give up" he said to me once. And I promised. But now, I don't know anymore. What's the point of trying anymore, if there's nothing pushing me forward. Right now I'm holding on just because I promised to.
"We'll be okay", he told me when I was sad or depressed. Now there just is no 'we' anymore. "I'll be okay", I whisper to myself with a picture of him in my mind. And like this, I somehow survive trough another day.

But yeah, I guess it's true. Someday it's gonna be just okay. And I can wait, that's not a problem. I have nothing but time.

•••

So, this is my first time trying to write here in English, and I can tell, this is pretty weird. But well, this was worth trying, and I'm honestly pretty happy with the results. I hope I'll get better at English and maybe I can rewrite this someday. Actually I should be writing something for school right now, but well, this is way more interesting...

Not so late, but I'm already too tired and I just want to sleep so if someone ever reads this, good night and please tell me if there's any mistakes I'm too tired to read trough this :d