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CHAPTER 1 how things are built
Alex likes the way Maggie puts her hands on Alex's hips when they kiss. She likes the way it feels as though Maggie is grounding her, like Alex is liable to float away like her sister if Maggie wasn't there to keep her safe on solid ground. Sometimes Maggie threads her middle finger through Alex's beltloops and it feels sure and right and serious in a way Alex has never felt before.
But the first time Maggie's thumb slides off her belt and under the hem of her shirt, Alex shivers and the ground feels uneven under her boots. She tells herself it's just because Maggie tried something new, but even after they stop kissing and just snuggle on the couch to watch a DVD, Alex can still feel Maggie's thumb against the skin at her waist.
The next time, Maggie's whole hand slides up the back of Alex's shirt. There's nothing anxious about it, no pressure, just Maggie trying to get a little closer and even though Alex knows that, it makes her whole body seize up. Maggie immediately stops kissing her and leans back, doesn't even do that thing she does sometimes at the end of a makeout session where she presses her nose against Alex's cheekbone. She takes a careful, measured step back - her hand still pressed against Alex's spine - and tilts her head to the side.
«Danvers? You okay?»
Alex wants to say yes and no and I don't know all at the same time but nothing comes out because Maggie's hand is still up the back of her shirt and it's all she can focus on. She manages to wrinkle her nose, give a jerky shake of her head, and Maggie - thank God for Maggie - takes the lead.
«Do you want to stop? You can just move your head, Danvers, you don't have to talk.»
Alex doesn't want to stop necessarily - she really, really likes kissing Maggie - but she thinks maybe she needs to. She lets her head drop so her chin touches her chest and Maggie says, «Okay. That's fine. We can stop. Do you want me to take another step back?»
Alex hesitates a second too long and Maggie's face goes hard; not like she's hurt by Alex's silence but like she's upset with herself for not figuring out something is wrong sooner. Maggie takes another step back and when she withdraws her hand from Alex's back, Alex feels like she can breathe again. She can still feel Maggie's fingerprints on her skin along the ridges of her spine, but it's not quite as bad.
«Danvers? Did I do something wrong?»
«I don't know.» Alex manages to whisper, air leaking back into her lungs. «No, it wasn't-- you're not wrong. I'm wrong, I--»
«Nope, no, you're not wrong. You're new, there's a difference.» Maggie's tone brooks no argument and, God, Alex really needed to hear that. «I moved too fast, was that it? I can totally slow it down.»
But Alex's face starts to crumble because she doesn't think it's that Maggie was moving too fast. She thinks maybe it's because Maggie was moving at all. Maybe this wasn't about her liking girls after all, maybe she was right the first time.
Maybe this wasn't the way she was built.
«Hey, hey, hey.» Maggie soothes. Her hands twitch at her sides like she wants to hug Alex but touching her is what got them into this in the first place. «Please don't cry. I'm sorry.»
«Don't apologize.»
«I made you cry; of course I'm gonna apologize.» Alex sinks to the couch and Maggie kneels down in front of her. «Do you want to talk about this or do you want me to leave?»
«Please don't go. I...» Alex rolls her shoulders. She can still feel Maggie's hand. Everything is cold. «Can you grab me a sweatshirt?» Maggie nods once, decisively, like she appreciates having something concrete to do and ducks into Alex's bedroom. She's never been in there before but it's organized just like she would have expected from someone like Alex and she finds an oversized, extra soft sweatshirt in the back of the closet. When she comes back out, Alex has her face buried in her hands so Maggie just sets the sweatshirt down beside her on the couch.
«Now what?» Maggie asks, because she wants to fix this, fix whatever it is she's broken. God, she really hopes she hasn't broke Alex.
Alex swallows thickly and pulls the sweatshirt over her head. It's one she stole out of her parents' closet when she was still in high school, one her dad used to wear on the weekends when they would stay up late and look at constellations together. It doesn't smell like him anymore, obviously, but she sniffs at the collar out of habit.
«You remember when we talked at the bar, when I tried to tell you... when I first started realizing?» Alex doesn't look up, so Maggie sits down on the floor and nods so Alex can see her. «And I told you I wasn't comfortable being intimate.»
«Yeah, I remember.»
«I don't... I don't think that part was just with guys.» Alex whispers, so soft and sad that Maggie has to lean forward just to hear her.
But she does hear her, so Maggie says the only thing she can: «Okay.»
Alex face crumples again and it sets Maggie's teeth on edge. «Danvers, hey-- can I? What can I do? What are you comfortable--?»
«Hug.» Alex grinds out and Maggie is on her knees immediately, pulling Alex to her, careful this time to keep her hands on top of the sweatshirt.
«We'll figure this out.» Maggie whispers into her hair. «We'll figure out what works for both of us together, I promise.» She pauses, waits for Alex's breathing to even out a little, then asks: «But kissing's still cool, right?»
And Alex laughs and hugs Maggie tighter than she ever has before.
CHAPTER'S END
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alpha's angle; why don't ya check the video I put on the media? it's mine.
