hey, it's min yoongi... if you see this, can you give this letter to jung hoseok? it's very important. thank you!
dear hoseok,
i went back home to daegu and came out to my mother on the morning of may 16th. it was nerve-wracking! my hand sweat could probably fill a whole bottle and i could sell it as vinegar, you know? i didn't know it would be so hard to utter these three words: "mom, i'm gay," but when i did, it felt like a huge weight has been lifted not only off my chest, but off my entire soul.
only for it to come back twice as heavy when she said these three words: "son, that's disgusting."
years of love and care thrown out the window just because his son would like to take a dick up his ass.
i went back to seoul without a word after that. i was so, so, lost. my feelings had been bottled up inside me for so long, and it was threatening to burst. i needed to tell someone. god, i could just scream to the whole of seoul, "i'm homosexual!" even if people would turn up their noses in disgust, i'd be delighted to hear a "me too!" from anyone.
may 28th, i found myself standing in front of my father's front porch. i could hear my six-year-old stepbrother laughing even from outside the house. i rang the doorbell, and there stood my dad. i still can remember how he narrowed his eyes a little, trying to recall who i was.
"dad," i whispered. my stepbrother peered from between my father's legs. "i-i'm gay."
i can still remember my dad widening his eyes and covering my stepbrother's ears, like it "gay" was a bad word that he wouldn't ever let his son hear.
he told my brother to go inside and ushered me out the house, locked the gates without a word, but the rejection had been clear as day.
june 30th was the day i came out to my best friend. she was livid. "god, yoongi! you should've fucking told it to me earlier!" was what she said. when i asked why, i got an answer i never expected. "because i fell for you, dipshit! now i just feel like a fool falling for someone so..." gross? disgusting? she never specified, but her face said it all.
isn't it amazing how easy you can get shunned by the people you love just because you're... you?
on july 5, a boy with brown hair and kind eyes walked over to me. introduced himself, shook my hand, asked me why my hair is another color again.
on july 6, the same boy sat in my table again. we talked about how ms. choi's breath from english class smelled like rotten eggs.
on july 7, we talked about our future careers. he wanted to be a dancer. i said i could make music for you to dance to. it was a promise.
on july 14, i found myself falling in love.
on august 18th, i got diagnosed with cancer. it was... i didn't know what to feel. i don't want to die. god, i'm miserable and i have nothing to live for but no, i don't wanna die.
why did i have to, now that i just found my only reason to live for?
i attended one session of chemotherapy, and that shit costed all my life's paycheck – and i'm not even working yet. it was my 3/4 of my life's savings. money gone down the drain... just like my life.
my hair fell out in clumps and i was devastated. the mirror was my enemy. it keeps showing me something i'm scared of. i was a whole jumbled mess.
the next week, i bought two wigs. one is red, like the blood that was still running in my veins, and another one which reminds me of myself – beaten black and blue by fate.
yes, hoseok. they weren't my hair. they were wigs.
i swamped myself with oversized clothes and spent my mornings perfecting my make-up to look normal in front of you. i spent my evenings throwing away used gum wrappers from my pocket. i chewed them to conceal the smell of vomit from my mouth whenever i do. i spent my nights crying in pain alone in my bed until i fall asleep.
i bought myself one last wig. dark brown – the same shade as your hair.
i spent my life falling harder and harder in love with you with every breath i take.
yes, i like you. i love you. like, love, like, love. hoseok, i adore you.
you and your heart-shaped smile. you and your bubbly laugh. you who still puts up with me. you.
i'm sorry i suddenly disappeared. it hurts to walk anymore. i can't walk out of this goddamned apartment. it hurts to breathe, it hurts to live.
it hurts to write this even more.
please tell the landlord i'm sorry. sorry for screaming at night, i can't help but do it due to the sharp, searing ache in my joints. sorry for always paying the rent too late. sorry, because i'll probably pay it late again, and you'll have to forcefully discover my dead body rotting in this table with a pen in hand.
hoseok, i am sorry for leaving you. i'm sorry for saying this too late. but by god, i will never be sorry for loving you.
my mother's favorite color was mint green. my father's favorite color was red. my best friend's favorite color was black and blue.
my favorite color is yellow –
the color of you.
