Was it all a dream?

Part 2

A heavy sigh fell from my lips as I finally stretched my tired legs out on the couch, wine in hand and cat on lap. The girls had left roughly thirty minutes ago after one of our weekly dinners. Now I was once again alone. You'd think after 5 months I'd be used to it, it wasn't like James was home every night when we were together, but I had always had Ryan. Ryan who I still hadn't spoken to since my birthday, Ryan who was still constantly on my mind, but it wasn't fair to leave James and then expect him to just jump right back into whatever we were. I'd give him space, I'd let him be free from the mess that was my life and who I am as a person.

After the shocking cold water of reality smacking me in the face last August, I had called James to come home. It had been way past the point of needing to tell him what had been going on. I wasn't being fair to anyone in the situation and I knew as soon as Ryan had stepped out of my apartment door that morning that he was the one I had wanted all along. James had been angry at having to fly back home in the middle of his trip, but he came anyways. We argued, he yelled, I yelled, we both cried, in the end though I had decided I wanted out. James tried to get me to stay, but I wasn't happy, and I knew in the end he wouldn't be either after everything I had told him.

So here I was 5 months later, new apartment, somewhat new life and still pissed at myself for losing the one thing that meant anything in my small existence of a life. Where does one go from here? I still go to work, I still see my friends and family, but things don't feel right anymore, things don't feel whole. I feel like I'm missing a piece of me and honestly, I don't know how to get it back. I know, I know, you don't need a man to complete you, but things with Ryan were right, they were perfect and they were what I wanted. I heaved out a loud sigh, startling Sherlock, as I leaned my head back to listen to the storm raging outside and to think over the conversation from dinner earlier.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thirty minutes prior

    "So how are you really?" Charlie asked in between sips of wine.

    "I'm fine," I glanced around at my sister and two best friends, the skeptical looks on their faces making me roll my eyes, "really guys. I'm not a piece of glass."

    "But you miss him." Brook announced matter of factly.

    "James?" I blinked owlishly at her.

    "Don't be a bitch," she countered smoothly, "you know exactly who I'm talking about. Why don't you call him?"

    "And tell him what B? That I miss him and want him to come back? That I fucked up? I don't want him to come back and then blame himself for something that wasn't even his fault. I fucked up and I need to deal with that. When or honestly even IF he wants to try again I think he will call me," I shrugged sadly, "at least I hope he'll miss me enough to call me."

    "He misses you." Ace said, "I see it when I visit Ian. He's really good at putting on a facade, but you can see it in his eyes."

I felt my heart speed up at the thought of him actually missing me. It was like a physical ache with how much I missed seeing him, how much I missed hearing his voice.

    "Is he ok?" I caught myself asking.

    "He's healthy, I mean he's taking care of himself, but you can see the shadows under his eyes. It's been months Syd, I really think you should call him." Ace's blue eyes locked with mine, her jaw hard with conviction.

    "I don't think it would do any good. It's not like I'm playing some game of hard to get Ace, I just want him to know he can do better." I shook my head, letting my fork clatter on my plate, "I love him too much to let him settle for someone like me."