Breathe (Langst)

Breathe

Breathe

Oh god Lance couldn't do this.

"This is my street"

Lance heard his towns name called over the bus's intercom. Fear enveloped him and reluctantly he stood and got off.

"I smile at the faces I've known all my life"

Lance looked around the place he grew up. It hadn't changed one bit. The warped wood of building stuck out at him. The colorful flowers in shop windows colored the scenery. The sights brought even more anguish to him.

"And everyone's sweet"

They helped him and his family so much.

"They had regarded me with pride"

Guilt curled in his stomach at the thought of what he was going to do. To his supportive family. His neighbors. Friends. All of them.

"They had said "You're going places!""

They were always there for him. His entire town encouraging him. How could he do this to them.

"So how can I say that while I was away I had so much to hide"

The lies he had spouted over the phone to his family.

"Hey guy's its me!"

Lance would say with a bright smile every time. The smile that hid his guilt.

"The biggest disappointment you know."

The smile that hid the truth. That he only became a cargo pilot. He didn't become a fighter pilot. He had failed.

"He's back and he's walkin' real slow"

Lance's footsteps echoed.

"Welcome home"

Lance sighed deeply and started walking.

"Just breathe..."

________

"The neighborhood waved, and said "Lance, be brave and you're gonna be fine!" But that seems like lifetimes ago"

Lance saw people on the streets stare at him in disbelief. They couldn't believe he was back. Wondering why he was back so soon.

"So what do I say to these faces I used to know?"

Lance ducked his head down in shame as he avoided all eye contact. He didn't want to talk to anyone. How would he explain. He couldn't just say

"Hey, I'm home?"

More and more people noticed. The shop keepers. His old friends. He had known everyone here. They all encouraged him. So when he left for the Garrison they weren't worried.

"They're not worried about me"

Lance pace slowed until he stopped. He stared at the ground and was surprised with to people yelling behind him.

"Alli esta nuestra Estrella!"

Lance frantically lifted his head up and looked at nice couple that worked at the grocery store down the road from his house. He smiled softly. Guilt and regret churned in his stomach.

"They are all counting on me to succeed"

Lance hadn't payed attention to the conversation that much. Only hearing the words of praise saying.

"You're the one who made it out!"

"The one who always made the grade!"

But Lance's mind said otherwise. His position at the Garrison said otherwise also.

"Maybe I should have just stayed home..."

The conversation ended with goodbyes and hugs and he continued his journey. Memories of his childhood sprouted.

"When I was a child I stayed wide awake."

Lance remembered a particular memory. The night where he waited until his parents fell asleep before slipping outside. He escaped through his window and headed towards the beach. Hands getting scraped as he climbed up the rocks to get a good view of the stars.

"Climbed to the highest place."

Lance slipped multiple times that night. Resulting in bruises, scrapes, and cuts. But it was all worth it.

"He was restless to climb"

Lance eventually made it to the top and was welcomed with a sight that would entrance him forever. The stars, beautifully glimmering in the sky. That night was when Lance decided he wanted to touch the stars.

"I got every scholarship"

Lance remembered when he applied for every scholarship he could find for the Garrison. He worked hard. Became holed up in his room studying and doing schoolwork. Desperate was a good descriptive word.

"Saved every dollar"

Lance would have a jar in his room. He found the jar on the beach, covered in sand and long forgotten. He would save every dollar he found in that jar. To get more money he would do extra jobs whenever possible and work as he could manage. He had a schedule, when he wasn't studying he was working.

"The first to go to the Garrison"

The day he applied he was terrified. However, his fear was replaced with happiness a couple weeks later when he got his acceptance letter. He got the scholarship. And that day he cried.

"How do I tell them why I'm coming back home?"

Lance's attention was brought back to the present. He began to plan what he was going to say. How to tell his parents he failed and is now only a cargo pilot; how he failed his dream. He tried to find a way to not make his parents disappointed but failed at that as well. Lance had felt fear churn in the atmosphere and when he looked up in a panic he noticed the sun was setting. He had to hurry.

"With my eyes on the horizon..."

_________

Lance continued walking and finally made it into his neighborhood. He had a routine practiced when he was stopped by a family friend or neighbor. He would "Straighten the spine, Smile for the neighbors, Everything's fine, Everything's cool." He would give the standard reply when asked how school was: "Lot's of tests, Lots of papers." He would smile and wave goodbye. Then continue walking.

He looked up to the sky that moment. The pressure behind his eyes increased and he prayed for the best.

"Oh, god... and what will my parent's say?"

_________

Lance's feet stopped when he was in front of the door to his home. The home he grew up in. The home where he would have to tell them.

"Lance..."

Oh god he couldn't do this. His thoughts scrambled and his prepared speech was thrown out. He tried to remember any parts, and his breathing increased when he couldn't. What would he say: "I know I'm letting you down...." Would that work? No! No! It wouldn't. His breathing picked up and he was on the edge of hyperventilating.

"Lance..."

Lance's breathing slowed and he inhaled deeply, shutting his eyes. He lifted up his hand shakily and rested it against the warped wood. It's now or never.

"Just breathe"

Then he knocked.