Metamorphosis

02

It was a few weeks later while dad was at the bar and I was getting ready for bed that was when I heard things being thrown around in Jake's room.By now I was used to the noise of my father's beer bottles shattering against the walls and the screams that no longer wake up my father when he's home. But the Jake, that held my frail body while it shook with sobs after another nightmare, that Jake was finally losing it Finally letting go of the anger towards my mother. I let him go until the crashes stopped and I could hear his sobs. In that moment I left my room to the one to hold him while the sobs shook his body.

"Mom wanted us to be happy," I heard him whisper while we sat on the ground of his room holding onto each other.

"But if she wanted that she wouldn't have left usr and not taken her goddamn life." he said

I could tell that night just how broken he was, I wasn't the only broken one. How broken our family was as a whole. I cleaned up all of the broken shards of glass and broken football trophies that laid on the floor while he slept. I didn't want him to see the destruction that he was capable of, of what we were capable of. I knew he would do the same for me. After that we packaged most memories away and sent them to storage so we still had something left. 

Everything was "fine" until Thanksgiving when the memories of the past came back, it was the first major holiday without her. We didn't celebrate no one had any desire too. My father worked more and more shifts so he wouldn't be in the house, he couldn't bother to be home for one day. Jake and I sat in silence most of the day. Neither of us knew what to say.

My nightmares still raged on and no one spoke to each other. My dad expected that by now we'd be somewhat back to ourselves but we were far from it. I went from a's to b's and c's, quit field hockey and student council and stopped caring altogether. I believe that it's my fault, that if I would've stayed home she wouldn't have done what she had.

The school started to take notice, I didn't talk to other kids, didn't participate in class discussions, zoned out in lectures. I was forced into meetings with my remaining family in the principal's office.

"You really don't understand the circumstances," I spoke for the first time since sitting in the office next to my dad and brother.

"We are sorry for your loss Veronica but it's been 4 months we can't keep giving you exceptions," Mr. Conners our principal spoke from behind his desk.

"I'm the reason she's dead! I blame myself everyday! I can't just turn around and act like it never happened!" I yelled standing up from the uncomfortable chair I had been sitting in and walking out of the school.

I heard footsteps behind me and knew it was Jake. I turned around looking at him the tears that had been welling in my eyes now streamed down my face.

"You and I both know it wasn't your fault," he said softly wrapping me in a hug.

"If I would have stayed home with her she'd be okay, she'd be okay, she'd be here with us. Jake it's all my fault."

"Ronnie we couldn't do anything to stop her," he whispered rubbing my back. I nodded taking a deep breathe before we returned into the school.