venting and shit

September 10, 2017, 23:16

before you ask, no. I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die. I just want to disappear, if you know what I mean. I want to disappear until I'm over them. my brain is filled with only negative thoughts, but ive never wanted to actually die. i say i do a lot, but I don't mean it. I'm useless. I cant stand myself. I'm sorry, but I cant. this is going to be my vent journal or stupid shit I'm embarrassed to bother my friends with. please don't get mad or upset, this is just the stuff I cant tell people. they'll think I'm weak or need to go to a mental hospital or something. I know its stupid but I'm scared of what people would say if they knew who wrote this. I'm worthless. nothing I do is ever good enough. I raise my grades from a d to a b. but of course i could still do better. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm trying my best but know one notices me. whore, slut, useless, garbage, waste of space and oxygen, fat, attention seeking brat, bitch, pig, fag. those are just a few names I get called. I guess people have called me those so much that I believe it. I'm not smart enough. not pretty enough. I try too hard to fit in, or I try to hard to be different. theres no in between. I feel so insignificant. like I don't even matter. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy, but I cant. theres this girl that I was and still am absolutely in love with. shes the most beautiful person ive ever seen. the way she laughs. her smile. her freckles. her voice. everything about her is perfect. she could light up a room without even saying anything. she always knew how to make me smile when I was upset. when you looked into her eyes, you could just feel the warmth and love in her. I am one of the luckiest people because I had the opportunity to call her mine for almost a year. she left me, of course with my luck. but she found someone else. someone that makes her so happy. I know he's better for her than I was. I'm toxic. I know shes so much happier with him, and I'm happy to see her so cheerful. it hurts me to see her with someone else though. I know hes better for her than I am, but my heart breaks a little bit every time I see them together, smiling and happy. She was my everything. oh, if I had the nerves to tell her all of this. she will never know how happy her smile could make me feel. ive never felt this way about anyone ive met in my life. I don't know what im feeling anymore. I know she doesn't love me, hell, shes probably forgotten about me. I never really understood what it felt like to get your heart broken to the point of no repair, but I now I do.

well I guess that's it for tonight. please don't comment 'I'm sorry" or stuff like that. I don't want sympathy. I just want this to be a safe place for me to vent without being judged. thanks for reading I guess. ignore my grammar mistakes as well. don't worry, ill be back soon with more insignificant vents about unimportant things. feel free to message me or something if you ever need to vent or rant, or if you have suggestions on how I can get over someone that i cant forget about.