If I Fall

One, two. I count. I can't take this anymore. My hands shake and my feet wobble as I step over the loose stones that lay on Paslepta's edge. My life is a colossal mess. I can't fight the memories anymore; I'm too weak. I hear the waves crashing, feel the breeze on my arms and smell the irritating feeling of salty air in my nostrils. I peer over the edge of the towering cliff, looking at the giant rocks that lay hundreds of meters beneath. I take a breath, three and I... jump.

My stomach drops and fear rises in my body. "Christina!" I hear a faint voice yell.

But I have already jumped. Suddenly, I feel the grip of a calloused palm. As I'm flying through the air, I snap my head around to see the bright, blue eyes of Kyle, my older brother. I see the cave around me speeding past in a blur; I feel the hard wind biting at my skin and the sound of my death coming closer to me. My mind drifts back to that night as I descend further into the depths of Paslepta. I recount the dark memory that takes up my mind. I can see him reaching for the gun. I can hear him pulling the trigger. Kyle wraps his masculine arms around my waist bringing me closer to him, trying to protect me even though it is hopeless. I feel gravity pulling me closer and closer to the rocks beneath. So does he, I can see it in his eyes. I was already nineteen and I had no idea what to do with my life. "I love y..." Kyle is cut short as we hit the floor, the depths of the cave finally catching up to us. I feel the pain shoots over my body as Kyle's arms are ripped from my hold. I can't do anything. And I hate it.

Fluorescent colours blind my eyes as I push my fingers into the stone beneath me. My head is buzzing and my vision is blurred. I try to make sense of my surroundings as I tilt my heads upwards. I'm in a cave like area that is covered in running streams and mildew. I look up to see a slit in the cave's wall where a rope hangs down and attached is steel bucket. What the? I look back down to my hands. They feel damp, and I feel the bitter aftertaste of blood on my tongue. I shoot my hand towards my lip. Ow. The ground beneath me is stone, dampened by the water cascading down the cliff's edge. I sit up but quickly lay back down as pain shoots across my spine. What happened? I was on a cliff... and I was going to jump because... why? Why was I jumping? My eyes widen instantly... I'm supposed to be dead. Why am I not dead?! I hit my hand on to the stone only to feel the familiar sense of pain. I try to get up again but my hands and knees buckle the moment I stand up. I feel like a zoo animal. Trapped and confused. I close my eyes to try to remember. "Argh!" I yell. Of course, my mind will not cooperate. I give up shortly and bring my hands to the rock beside me.

There is a lake with rushing, white water to my right and untamed forest to my left. I walk over to the giant oak tree that is cloaked in lime green and turquoise mildew. I bring my hand to the wet plant. It feels cold and delicate underneath my touch... it feels familiar. My head is buzzing and the pain I slightly overcame has rushed back. I try to make sense of that memory. I move forward and half trip over something. "What the?" I grunt looking down at my foot. Markings cover the cave's floor. I stare at the symbol. It's an arrow...pointing to the right. I look over the floor searching for more symbols. The stone is a dull grey but no markings appear. I look at the arrow once more. My feet move forward and in an instant, I'm standing midway through the rushing water. Ok, this was a bad idea. The water scratches at my face as I desperately cling to a log that has been wrenched into the ground beneath. I dig my nails in to anchor and force my body up. The water continuously tries to carry me away as I heave the rest of my leg over the log and roll on top. If I jump, I can make it to the other side. I wedge myself further towards the ground, which lies barely a meter away. I move further - just an inch- until I feel the dull stone on my fingertips. I move onto the land and look up. The rope and bucket are closer now. It is bigger than I thought it was.

I look up to the bucket and bring it down slowly. Tightening my grip around the rope, I climb the edge of the cave's wall and jump into the bucket. I squint upwards and see that the rope, if pulled, can move the bucket. Like a well... I start pulling on the rope and slowly move towards the slit in the cave. As I'm slowly ascending, my mind drifts back to that moment on the cliff. Unexpectantly, I hear a faint yell, "CHRISTINA!" Suddenly it all comes back rushing to me. I was on the cliff and I was about to jump. I was jumping because of the memories... the memories of Lilac, my best friend's murder. I remember everything. The uncle, the fishing trip, the rope... the gunshot. I remember countless days depressed. I remember... my brother. "KYLE!" I gasp. I snap my head back to the faint voice and clamp my hand to my mouth to muffle my screaming, shaking the bucket in the process. The bucket rocks harshly to the side making me lose my grip. I grab ahold of the edge of the bucket and cling to it desperately. I wanted to die before... but do I want to die now? Beads of sweat roll down my head and my fingers turn a reddish- shade of purple. One, Two, Three. My fingers lose their grip one by one. Four, Five, Six. I feel the fall coming closer to me. Seven, Eight, Nine. I make a decision. I don't want to die. I don't want to die! ...Ten.

"Christina?" I open my eyes hastily to see Jacob, my brother's oldest friend. "Chrissy shh, It's ok." I sit up slowly only to be pushed back down by Jacob. "Where's... where's Kyle?" I ask eyes wide. Jacob rubs my temples in a soothing way.

"He's over there. He's gonna' be fine and so are you," Jacob promises.

"What are you even doing here?" I ask looking at him.

"Well I was hanging out with your brother when he noticed you walking over here. We decided to follow you and then once we saw what you were doing... well we were kinda' stunned. Anyway Kyle tried saving you and I saw both of you fall. You both landed there," Jacob, says pointing to the stream, I woke up next to. I look at him then back to the streams. "You pulled us out?" I ask smiling.

"Yes. Then I went to talk to Kyle who was somehow conscious," He laughs and I can't help but laugh too, "And you wandered off. I caught you when you were falling." James looks past my shoulder and gives me a mischievous smile. Suddenly something wet is slammed against my left cheek. "That is for giving me a heart attack," Kyle yells rubbing the unknown wet thing further into my cheek, "And that is for giving Jacob a heart attack!" Kyle smashes the wet thing into my right cheek. I turn around and wrap my arms around my brother. He welcomes the hug and holds me closer. "And that is for both of you giving ME a heart attack!" Jacob yells tipping a bucket full of the green goo onto Kyle and I. Kyle growls and moves forward to Jacob. In an instant, they start sword fighting. I sit there and watch my brother dance around with a stick. I sit there smiling at their immaturity. I sit there just happy to be alive.