You finally have to listen

Introduction

I'm sitting in my favorite café, reading the paper, gentling sipping my Carmel frappé. I can suddenly feel the blood creeping down through my nostrils and out onto the top of my lip. Every waking day I am reminded of this disease. Next comes the constant pain in my bones and then the frequent realization of knowing the blood cells in my body are being attacked. I'm thirteen and am blessed with the gift of leukemia. I started noticing symptoms about two years ago but the doctors didn't think it would evolve into much. They were wrong.... now I have a severe case of leukemia, it seems as though my body is being penetrated all the time. Not only does this disease destroy my body but my hope. There are days I find myself stop dreaming just because of my situation. Where I am today can't get better, but only worse; and if I live in hope the worst day to come will be even worse. Because hoping for something as big as this, is almost thinking of the impossible; and if you are not prepared you will be shattered. And the predicament you failed to realize earlier will only weigh so much more.

The idea of hope should only come with the idea of possibility. And the possibility of me getting better is lower than you can imagine. Don't get me wrong, I still have a life to live. Now its just figuring out how I can live it. I know I'm not dead, and I'm not giving up, but in some ways u have to look at the visual aspect of my life and pick out the things I can and can not accomplish.The only way I can accomplish the inconceivable ways of life is to wish. And wishes are only granted of those who truly need it. Need and want are to different things, and I may need to get better but I want to get better even more. I want to be "normal", but in the world of cancer the idea of normality is already tiresome.In the experience of life what we wish for isn't what we get, nor want. But we have the experience of getting something at least. So leukemia isn't a dream gift but something I have come to life with. A challenge in which I will embrace until I die. Something that will never bore me and always be there.

As you'll see as you read is a difference. You'll see how my thoughts and actions work and respond. How I am able to see things. For my thoughts and actions are two strong individuals providing special needs for my body. But for the mind is only an illusion, to wish for happiness and say the pain isn't bad is mere semblance. Of which the body reacts differently, in telling me that my mind can not change the way my body reacts to this disease. That thoughts are only a deception along the way.If you were to look into the sky and see a star shinning in the sky, and it seems as if it is the brightest. The mind is doing all the work, in actuality the star is the same. But the semblance the mind creates is so the imagination is still there. For then there is a destraction from the reality of life. This is the same with my situation. To imagine something better numbs some of reality and let's me relax. In my thought process, positive thinking will someday lead to positive results. But positive results shall only come to those who wait.

So I'll wait..... and in the meanwhile let's live a little.