"Do you know why people cut Dr. Houston? " I tilted my head off the the right, squinting my eyes at him just the tiniest bit.
"Well it's the only way they know how to cope." He looked at me with wonder and interest. Well... He is on the right track.
"People cut because it's a distraction. For one moment, you don't feel the pain, the loss, the hurt. All you feel is the razor going into your skin, the blood running down your arm, leg, stomach. You don't think about how alone you are or about how fat and ugly you are. You don't think about the people who talk behind your back." I paused as I let Dr. Houston finish writing down what I'm saying. He nods letting me know to continue.
"You don't think about how your family is fighting or how your friends hate you. All you think about is the blood. An the addicting part?"
Dr. Huston paid close attention to this. His brown eyes were digging into mine.
"Well that's when all the hurt and pain comes back." I get a smirk on my face. Dr. Huston was not expecting that. He was shocked by my answer. I know he is. But it's the truth.
"Why is that the addicting part Ms. Keller?"
I smile. "The cut isn't fresh and you can feel all the build up of sadness an loneliness inside you. So you have to do it again, but a little deeper so the numbness will last longer. The pain inside will be delayed longer. And as the pain inside gets worse and worse you have to make the outside worse and worse."
"What does the cutting do exactly?" Dr. Huston is smart, but he does not catch on real quick.
"Dont you see Dr. Huston? It's all about control. You have it. You can't control the pain on the inside but you can control it on the outside."
"Is this the real reason why everyone does this?"
"Well... it's the reason behind their reason."
He looked at me as if he was working on a puzzle he jut couldn't quite to together. He wants to understand. He needs to so he doesn't lose his own sanity. His daughter died because of deep cuts on her wrist. No one had a clue she was so sad. She was the happy girl. She always smiled and laughed. She was whoever anyone needed her to be. She was the prep for the people out of it. She would change her mood in a split second for anyone. Someone needed a shoulder to cry on, she was there. Someone just got out of a relationship, she was there. But the problem with people like that, is that they are scared to open up because they don't want to put people in that situation. So they hide it. Until they finally snap. That's what happened to her. Her name was Casey.
I think this might be happening to me also.
"I'm sorry Dr. Huston, but your daughter is in a better place. Have you ever looked on her pictures saved onto her phone? Hope you don't mind me asking." He looked at me. I knew he wanted to cry. But he was holding on pretty strong.
"No I haven't. I don't think I want to."
"I wouldn't, not unless you really wanted to know what was going through her head." We were silent. I hate to talk about this stuff with him because of Casey. It feels weird.
"Ella... what I am going through now with Casey, it's horrific. And it's been almost a year sense her passing. I just want you to think. Do you want your life to end?"
It was a sudden question. I wasn't ready for that. I had to think. Am I really that unhappy? I have thought about suicide, I'm not going to lie. It just seems so peaceful. Like an eternal sleep. No worries. No pain. No more of my mind saying I'm fat. No more bullying myself. It would all just be.... over.
"The sad thing is, not so long ago I actually had friends. But they all left. Everyone does eventually. That's life. And that's why I'm finding little point in living. They only reason I'm alive is for my family. No one else cares about me. And I can't see a future for myself. I sit through class each day weighing up which method of suicide I could use. But each day before I'm about to, a picture of my parents flashes across my mind. And I can't do it, for their sake."
I can't just leave my parents. Not my dad. My dad is mg everything. I love him and my mom. My brother to. I would miss Easten. He's a year older then me. He's 16. He's tall, brown hair that he styles into a nice flip kind of thing. His eyes are a deep green. He and I look a lot alike. But i have blue eyes and I am kind of short. I am 5'4. He is 5'11. I'm also tanned then him. I always have been.
"Thank you, Ella, for thinking about your family. And you have friends that care Ella! Everyone you sit with at lunch or talk to in class are your friends and they CARE. What about your boyfriend?"
Jacob has been my boyfriend for almost 5 months now. It will be on May 4th. I love him more then anything. But he doesn't know how sad I am. No one does. I won't let him know. Jacob thinks I am a all around happy girl with the most perfect and and is obsessed with hockey. I do love hockey and everything else is a lie. Jacob will never know. If he would find out, he would break up with me. No guy wants to be with a depressed suicidal girl. There's no way I could be able to stop myself from killing myself. He's the only one I care about other then my family.
"I love him... but he doesn't know the real me. He knows nothing about what we have been talking about. I won't let him know. I'm scared that if he does, he'll leave me. And then I think I would finally snap."
"But he loves and cares about you Ella. He wouldn't leave."
" He might. There's this girl, Miley Reaves,and she hugs all over him and calls him baby right him front of me. She knows I hate her. She is so much skinnier then me and pretty and I'm just me. He would leave me in a heartbeat once he got a reason to just to be with her." I can't stand her. And I know she would steal him from me any chance she got just to piss me off.
"And how are you so sure?" Dr. Huston staired at me. He hates it when I say this about Jacob.
"Because what guy would want to date a girl like me? I'm fat and ugly." I look at the ground.
"You are gorgeous Ella. You are pretty and you are worth something."
"Oh please Dr. Huston! Don't act like you actually care!" No one cares about me! Why can't they just admit it? I'm ugly and worthless. I'm nothing to everybody.
"No your NOT Ella! I lost my daughter to this and I will not let you end up like her! Dead! Lifeless! In a black box 6 feet into the ground! I will not allow your parents go through what I do EVERYDAY! Thinking you could have done something! If only you knew! This isn't easy Ella. Not for you, not for me. But we will get through this."
I couldn't talk. Dr. Huston never raised his voice at me before. All I could do was stair at him. I was speechless. I felt bad. Really really bad.
"I'm sorry..."
"No don't be." He smiled up at me in a apologetic manner "I shouldn't have raised my voice at you."
"No I glad you did. It's just when you hate yourself, there's no being talked out of it. No amount of 'no, your pretty,' or don't do it, your lived,' can snap you out of it, they all feel like lies. Then you don't know who to trust or who to turn to."
"I understand what your saying Ella. But somehow we will change that. I will do whatever it takes to make you love yourself again."
"I hope so." I smile at him. I know that won't happen. It's impossible. I stand up out of ny chair and walked out of his office. Time to wait for my mom.
