HAMILTON ONESHOTS

breathe

Tw: Panic attack, depression, etc
(I'm not trying to glorifying mental illness, I just wanted to show a panic attack through a character)

Alexander raced to the bathroom. with his small frame shaking violently, he let out a shaky breath and turned the knob on the door and locked himself in there.

Nothing was wrong. No one had done anything. Nothing big, anyway. His friend, had said something, something small, that set off a fire alarm in his brain. "Dramatic. Me. Stop it" He whisper shrieked at himself as he slid down the door frame.

He sighed angrily at his sensitivity and abnormalities. Running his finger through his hair as he recounted the previous events.

Laughing, Mulligan exclaimed "Wow- that gives me anxiety!" Alexander bitterly chuckled at the choice of words, thinking angrily "If he only he knew." But he ushered those thoughts away, fearing selfishness would lead him to do less favourable actions.

"Dude-" He addressed his friend Lafayette "This guy in my class is totally bipolar!" He screeched with laughter as Lafayette covered his grimace with a shaky grin, eyes darting every where but his friend's.

A fit of laughter rang throughout the room as Mulligan wheezed and rattled, dangerously waving his phone around carelessly "Alexandra- Girly you should see this" Alexander had grimaced at his birth name but complied to the large man's request. "Yes?" He had mustered only a word from his ramshackle head.

"I can't believe this guy" Mulligan slurred "what does non binary even mean" he screeched, painfully mis pronouncing the word. Lafayette's eyes darted towards the phone as tears formed in their eyes. "I don't have a clue" Alexander had squeaked, sneaking his hand to rest reassuringly- or at least he hoped what was reassuringly- on Lafayette's forearm.

Mulligan, oblivious to his pained friend, rattled on about how it isn't natural, which eventually led to being transgender in general. Mulligan wheezed and slammed his fist on the table clumsly as he made remark after remark on the matter, hurting his friends with each hateful word.

Alexander's arm carefully moved through the air in an attempt to calm him, before violently crashing down onto his knee. He dragged his shaking body up before he helplessly fell back to the ground.

Urgency flashed through his eyes as he made a panicked command to breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. His mind shrieked repeatedly, soon falling into a melancholy rhythm. He finally gasped, tears streaming down his face as he made attempt after attempt to get up.

Finally he steadied himself enough to stand up and he wobbled over to the bath tub, stepping in rhythm to his shrieking brain. He focused only on the command, repeating it perfectly as many times as he could. Soon the thoughts morphed into whispers which then became urgent voices.

His arm jerked down onto the faucet uncontrollably, turning the water on.

Thoughts becoming muffled he stripped down and sank into the hot water. Don't look. Look. Don't. Do. Please. Help. Anyone. Save me. No. Dramatic. Stop. Chopped up fragments of speech fell out of his mouth as he crumbled.

He grabbed the razor and instinctively fiddled with it, his first thought was to dig it into his skin.

Terrified by his own whims he dropped the razor into the bath tub as his breathing pace quickened.

He had done so well.

He hadn't felt like this for two weeks. All happy thoughts. He automatically pushed every pessimistic thought down, and they had over flown.