Another night of this. I can't think clearly. My body and mind are raising and I have no way to calm them down. It's been a few days sense I've been able to do that.
As I walked into my bedroom I fall immediately to the floor face first with a hard BANG. I hear, "SHUT UP!!" behind me with that light female voice, followed by a hard cough.
I get up slowly and put my hand to my face. I know it doesn't help with the pain but it's an idea. I mean it does help with light not hurting my eye. I find a cold beer under my desk and put it on my eye so the swelling can slow down. I sit down on my beanbag for maybe an hour. Time flies when all that I can do is think, and see are the monsters and people that fill the world.
I try to stop thinking, but I can't. All that I can do is think with no way to stop it, not now at least.
I have nothing to do, so I get up and look through the window into the dark ass night, with the only light source seen is the big moon looking and stalking through the window. I remove the beer. I think I look good with a big bruise on my forehead. The color of black and purple gives me a smile. I can also see the redness in my eyes, so bloodshot. I can feel the blood wanting to pop out my eye, beating like my heart. I look away, and at the shirt I'm wearing. It's a weird shirt, I still don't know what it means and I've had it since forever. All it is the inside of a house, an arched doorway and next to it a big picture of a diamond.
Black and white.
Black and white.
No, it's not all black,
but yes it is.
I lift the shirt and I see the yellow bruise on my ribs. I poke it with my beer hand and it hurts a little. It's nice to feel pain.
I let go of the shirt and stare at the beer in my hand. I can't read what it says, my eyes start to get blurry, I almost see nothing.
"Damn it all." I say as I open the beer.
I take a swig and my vision comes back slightly. I go back to my bean bag and sit there, drinking. Over time my thoughts slow down a little and I actually know what each thought is as they speak.
One comes out,
We should leave, get some, you know, you need to chill and not think. Or, the blade is right on the desk.
Another comes up.
Come on, we don't need that. Just relax and think. We don't need any of that, you got this.
Another.
How about we hurt some people. Slowly put a knife into their mouths, and see them bleed out their throats.
Again.
You now that girl you walked past today? What was her name, started with a B right? I think she'd look great in a gag with no free will while you...
I stop myself before my headache gets worse. I punch the ground in anger.
"Ugh! Fuck!"
These thoughts and visions can't be handled by me. All of them together, filling my head. Remember that, what if that happened, remember this, what if this happened, what was that, who's there, blah blah blah. I look around, monsters and demons everywhere. Words, yelling, people, things, yelling!!
I take a large swig and they slowly dissipate.
"Fuck." I say aloud.
Luckily no one can hear me because mother and step-father are fucking upstairs.
They're so loud. Hearing them moan is nasty, the squeaking of there bed can be heard all through the house.
I finally choose to try to sleep and try not to listen. Though I know it won't work, I try to sleep. I haven't slept in days, all that happens is pain everywhere, but I sit my ass back on my bean bag. I sit there, and slowly, slowly after hours, my eyes close, the thoughts slow, the monsters rest, and I can finally sleep.
