The Mistakes

I met him - I love him

   I have had so many heartbreaks I can't even count them all. They all hurt, they will probably keep hurting me forever. The latest breakup I've had, was with a Hungarian guy, he was nice, until I had realized he was using me. I was scared of losing him though. I am the type of girl who needs love to live. Well, my boyfriend (now gladly my ex) introduced me to his friend.. Sebastian. Oh damn, he was so kind, I just..fell in love right there. I was sure this was real love. He. He is the one. When Sebastian and I talked, I was happy. My depression just disappeared. Soon after that I broke up with the hungarian, and I was with Sebastian. I was the happiest I've been in my life.

  We were planning our future, promising stuff, we were so happy. But just a bit after that.. I messed up. To be honest, I'm not sure why I did it. but I cheated. I will never forgive myself, I know he won't either. I hate myself for that.. But.. I deserve it, I guess. Things started to get better again, We were happy again, I drew us a lot as mlp characters. I have my walls full of drawings of us. Everything went great, But we argued more.. I kept promising stuff and I kept hurting him. I kept changing and changing, I wanted to make him happy. Then. When he said it the first time, it hurt. "I want the Josyy from January when we met." he said. I had changed, too much. I started to try and turn back to the sweet little innocent girl he met back then, but at this point, it was almost impossible. Still I tried. I'd do anything for him. I  did a lot other stuff after that, but it's so much.. just thinking about it hurts me. I lied about my life, I acted possessed. I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself. I want to fix it, I tried to fix it. I know he said he forgave me, but I know, he is hurting because of all I've done. I started thinking 'He would be so much happier without me, wouldn't he?' but i kept it in my head for a while. 

   We were soon happy again. And I was changing again, to what i was. Then.. I just kept hurting him without even really knowing what was happening. how I was hurting him? I always was able to fix it, but it kept happening, I started blaming myself more and more, I started thinking "He is better without me", "I should die and go", but I had promised not to hurt myself, or kill myself or leave him. At this point, I could tell some of my promises: I promised to keep promises, I promised to not lie, I promised to take care of myself, I promised to nor blame myself for no real reason, I promised not to hurt myself or kill myself, I promised to tell if something is bothering me or if I need help.. I promised a lot. It is hard to always remember the promises I've made, but I have them all written on a paper, just in case if I'd forget.

  Soon.. I started falling asleep early, without telling him goodnight and all. To be honest, I don't know why it happens, it just happens. I know he's hurting because of it. I make him worried sick every single time it happens.. Just suddenly disappear, and he waits, he is worried. I keep apologizing over again, really meaning it even though I know every single time i say I'm sorry it's not doing anything, but losing its meaning.  Right now my "sorry" can't go any lower.. I have said it so many times. Still, i would do anything to be with him, and I am happy with him. He is my sweet sunshine and knight is shining armor, I really love him. More than anything. I love him even more than arts, I love him more than life. He is my everything. And for him, I would do anything, I would even die for him, if needed.

( I will probably continue this sometime. For now, This is it, i guess?)