weapons † hs [two]

19. settle down

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The afternoon light emitting from the transparent glass doors of our bedroom crawls over my body and stirs my sleep, brightening the room way more than it was at nearly the crack of dawn when we arrived to this luxurious Airbnb rental apartment Harry booked for us.

I hate to even imagine the total amount of money he spent on the short-notice plane tickets and this extravagant place.

Noises from the street floors below accompany my boyfriend's soft, fatigued snores that fall from his lips right by my ears.

The four of us, tired and hungry, each dragged our feet into this place, arriving to it around 5:30 this morning. Our rooms, directly across from each other's, were the only places explored as we entered them and never came out, undressing, finding our way to the bed, and sleeping immediately.

My back to him, Harry had pulled my robe-clad body from my side of the bed I'd chosen to the middle right against his bare one, snoozing right as he got comfortable with me in his tight embrace.

Now that I'm awake, I see the man hadn't really moved, passed out with a leg around me, a heavy arm holding my waist, and the right side of his face on my pillow, facing me as if to be certain I wouldn't stray away. The heat from his body radiates over mine, keeping me a little too warm. Even my slightest movement from one side to the other doesn't faze him; he's completely out.

Looking at Harry, I smile as his eyes flutter in his sleep, clearly dreaming about something, and his parted, plump lips twitch. His hair is flatter, yet still a tad messy and curly, some of it over his forehead that I just have to comb through and hear him hum, feeling the grasp he's got on me loosen.

It starts to get claustrophobic, with his close proximity and the heavy duvet, that I take the opportunity of his looser grip and slide away and out of the bed, still a little sore from the mile high club initiation he lured me into. A melancholic wave of emotions, provoked by the tide of what I've had to give up to be here, crashes over me when I look back down at him that I have to tighten my robe and walk away.

I know I'm not pissed at him. I do love him, and I understand that Harry getting arrested would've ended our relationship, and that's not at all what I want.

We thought it was the inevitable. Yet, as the days went by, as I moved in and lived with him like a normal couple, as we bought a crib for our baby and prepared ourselves like a real family, I threw that cloudy, dark inevitability away and saw a future. I saw us settling down like I always wanted.

But I never wanted to run away. I have a baby, we have a baby, and as strong as I've tried to be all those months without him, I can't handle the weighty uncertainty of what's next, even though we're now together. I need a stable future, and so does our baby.