I'm Sorry

"OH BITE ME YOU COCKEAD!"

"Alex, calm down." Liam pleaded.

"YEAH ALEX, FUCK OFF IF YOU'RE GONNA ACT LIKE THAT!" Harry shouted at me.

I stood transfixed, staring at the drunk bastard across the room. He'd never sworn at me.

"I hate you." I retaliated.

"I know you do sweetheart, that's why you fucked me up so bad."

"Harry, there's no nee-"

I picked up one of the glasses on the table and threw it straight at his chest, sending it shattering into pieces, cutting Liam off mid-sentence.

"I DIDN'T MAKE YOU START ACTING LIKE A DICK, YOU'VE DONE THIS TO YOURSELF!"

"Alright, come on, out, get out, all of you." The bartender said, shuffling the three of us out of his small pub.

Outside, we found ourselves on a deserted country road. Liam had brought us to some place remote to try and reconcile us. Well, really he'd tricked us into meeting here.

The snow bit at the exposed skin above my collar and face. We'd only been inside for about 10 minutes, not enough time to unravel ourselves from our layers. Harry swayed like he was going to fall over, the bags under his eye prominent.

"What the fuck, Liam, why did you think I'd want to see him."

"I couldn't give two shits if you two wanted to see each other or not. But you've spiralled into drinking because you left him without any resolution." Liam said, pointing at each of us in turn.

"Oh he hasn't just started 'spiralling' into it; it's been his source of comfort for months. And I had to live with it."

Please don't cry, I don't want them to see how weak I've become.

"I hadn't realised it was an ongoing thing..."

"Yeah Liam, well, it has been." I said, crossing my arms to try and hold myself together.

Harry was leaning with his head against Liam's flash car, meaning I couldn't see his face. My tiny mini, with a broken wing mirror, looked ridiculous next to it.

"Why didn't you ever try to help me then?" Harry's voice was thick, I hadn't noticed that he'd started crying.

Don't shout at him.

"I tried. But I knew that if I labelled it as a problem then it became something serious. I was hoping it was a phase," I looked at Liam, then back to Harry; I hoped he wasn't thinking badly of me, "You would disappear for long periods of time. I never saw you at night; you were always 'out'. When you were with me you would stay silent and distant, like you saw straight through me.

"It hurt. And no matter how hard I tried to re-engage you, or whatever, you just kept pushing."

God, my voice sounded so desperate.

He finally, yet slowly, straightened up and looked straight at me. His face was red and blotchy, tears on his face and in his eyes.

"And leaving me was going to fix it?" He didn't sound accusing, he sounded legitimately curious.

"There was no point me hanging around if you didn't want me there."

Silence.

"Alex, from the moment you ended it, Harry's hasn't even been trying to hide his... problem. How long has he been this way?"

I don't think Harry could hear Liam, he just focused on me and tried to stay upright.

"About 5 months, it started just after that newspaper released all those bullshit articles."

I remembered it so clearly, walking past the newsagents and seeing the headline 'Styles in Turmoil'. Since then, everything he usually deflected had started to crack him. Rumours became the truth.

He looked so broken, I just wanted to grab him, hug him tightly, and tell him that everything was ok.

But it wasn't.

"Alex, I don't want to hurt anymore."

I closed my eyes to try and block out what he was saying. I could not get sucked back into his lifestyle, no matter how badly I wanted him.

This must've been just as hard for Liam to see Harry in this state as it was for me, after all he it was one of his best mates losing his mind.

Alex, don't cry.

"I don't want you to either. But you've never shown me any signs of wanting to stop destroying yourself, and the people around you."

I opened my eyes to see Liam staring at Harry in ultimate disbelief, it was hard to comprehend that this was happening. I honestly think that Liam had assumed tonight would be the night everything got resolved, and that he would be instantly cured.

He walked over to Harry, and gingerly placed a hand on his shoulder. Harry tore his gaze from me, and looked at Liam's hand. The cold air seemed to be slightly sobering him up, but only enough to make him more aware of the seriousness of this conversation.

That small sign of connection meant more to both of them than a big heart-warming hug. It felt more personal.

"We just don't want to lose you, mate. Nobody does. I'm going to wait in the car, and I'll give you both 5 minutes. You either get in with me, and I'll take you home with me or back to the hotel. Or you get in with Alex, and you go home, to your house. Honestly, I think it's up to Alex."

True to his word, he climbed into the driver's side of his car and waited, looking at anything but us.

"Alex, I want to go home. I want to wake up from this nightmare."

He walked over to me and cupped both hands around my face. His cheeks were still wet, and his hands were slightly shaking.

"I want you, and the clarity that comes with it." He whispered.

The smell of beer stuck to him.

"I really want to trust you, Harry,"

He caught a tear before it reached my chin; I hadn't realised I was crying. Fuck.

"I'm sorry." He said, his voice breaking.

"I know you are-"

"Please help me." He begged, moving his hands from my face to grab my own, and hold the ball of fingers to his chest. This was so hard to deny him.

I knew he meant it. At that moment, I had no doubt that he wanted to change.

It was if he could do it that worried me. Or rather, if he could do it in time.

He rested his forehead on mine.

"I'm sorry. Please, I can't fix myself, I've tried."

He actually needed me. Maybe, I needed to take control. For the first time in a very long time, I could see elements of the true him.

"Get in my car." I whispered.

I walked him over to the passenger side, with a supporting hand on his back. He sat down, and before swinging his legs into the car, pulled me down to plant a kiss on my forehead.

"Thank you." He said sleepily.

I rubbed his cheek with my thumb. I wanted my Harry back, and we were beginning to find him.

I turned to Liam's car and waved. He flashed his lights in return, and turned onto the road.

Once in the car, I turned to face Harry, who was already looking at me. He looked so helpless.

"Let's go home."