Losing Him

Chapter 4: Losing Him

Chapter 4: Losing Him

“I can’t believe you Jess.” He said it so quietly, that if the door was even slightly open, I wouldn’t have heard it.

“What?” confused I asked for an explanation.

“Not even five days after we sleep together, you’re in bed with another guy? Wow.” Still no expression. Dumbfounded at what he was saying, I had nothing to say in my defence.

“You’re right; I’m getting with another guy after having slept with you not even five days earlier. But it’s not like I’m cheating on you. Am I?” I looked at him curiously. “I mean, we’re not a couple that you should be upset with me. I’m a drunk, now sobering up, eighteen year old girl at a party, something is bound to happen.”

“This is why I warned you not to hook up with someone whilst you were here. Even after I told you why I didn’t want you to hook up with someone, you go and do it.” He was on the verge of shouting.

Aaron never shouted at me.

“I thought you were joking, Aaron! Like always! I thought you were having a laugh, our usual banter!” I tried reasoning with him, tried making sense of what he was saying.

“I took you out after we had sex Jess! I told you I love you. And everything I said today too.” He rebutted me.

“I thought that was you being my best friend Aaron. I thought you took me out because you wanted to spend time with me as my best friend. I thought you told me you loved me, as your best friend. And I thought you said everything you did today, because you had to fulfil your best friend duty and make me feel better. I thought everything you did this week was as a best friend. Nothing more.” I looked down and whispered the last two words.

“Best friend or not, I meant everything to be more. I told you the truth when I said there was no other girl than you for me. I told you the truth when I told you I love you, and I told you the truth when I said you were beautiful today. You can accept me or not, but after today...” he paused as if he was thinking, ”after what’s just happened it’s either we become more than friends or we can’t be friends at all.” He went back to having an expressionless face.

“You can’t do that.” I was horrified. I was shocked he was giving me an ultimatum. “I won’t let you do that, Aaron you’re everything to me, I can’t lose you. And if the other option is losing you when you lose these feelings for me, then I’d rather lose you now then later when it’ll hurt more.”

I realised that, Aaron Sherbatksi, the guy who’s been my best friend for three years was giving me an ultimatum. I either let things proceed forward or I stop everything there and then, because at some point in the past three years, my best friend developed feelings for me, and though I had a small crush on him years ago, I led my best friend on to believe I had some feelings for him too, and right now, I’m not even sure if I have feelings for him but I don’t want to be confused. This is my senior year, it’s the most important year for me, it’s the year everything goes right, it’s the year I get into college, it’s the year I start my life as an adult. I’m not meant to be making choices about whether or not I should stay friends with my best friend or not, I should be making choices about what college I want to go to.

But, in this moment, if I have to make a choice then I’d rather choose to lose him now, to cut all ties now because even though he’s been my best friend for the past three years and he’s pretty much a part of me now, it’d be easier to forget each other now than it will be in a few years time, maybe a few months even, after we’d tried to make a relationship work, after he realises that he was being foolish and he doesn’t actually have feelings for me, after I probably will fall in love with him. I’ll be more heartbroken that I failed at making a relationship work with him than not knowing what if we tried, what if we dated and ended up married, what if we have a happy family, but to every happy what if, there’s two sad what ifs attached to it. What if we dated and he didn’t actually love me, what if we dated and he cheated on me, what if we ended up married then he cheated on me, what if we had kids and then he left us, what if he died before we had kids. I know, that if I choose to have a relationship with Aaron, I’ll fall in love with him so quick and so hard that there will be no pulling me back, I’ll love him until there’s nothing to love, I’ll love him even after we’re not together, heck I’ll probably love him even when I’m married and had kids with some other guy, but Aaron will never leave my heart, because I know, that’s the type of bond we have.