Only the hurt will hurt

Lunch

Time for the best and worst part of the day, lunch. It's the best because it reminds me how much power I have over everyone. Yes, I know it sounds terrible but power isn't really something I have in my life, I don't have the power to change how I grew up or how my life is right now but I do have the power to tell people where to sit and what to wear which makes me feel like I have some sort of purpose in my life, other than to fail at everything. But it's also the worst, for two reasons actually, as much as I like all the power I hold, I kind of feel I almost hold to much power, people will just up to me at lunch and try to say things to me or give things to me and try to win over my approval, which is kind of cool I guess but at the same time it feels like I'm some sort of horrible  monster that you need to be extra gentle with or I'll kill you or something which I'm really not I'm just mean to you if you deserve it, which I also know sounds bad, which it kind of is but it makes sense to me. Another reason I hate lunch is because of my friends, most of the time they're fun and while yes they're mean to other people and seem like your typical suburban bitch they're really not. I actually really do enjoy being around them, it's not that I hate but the fear of being exposed, my friends are very judgmental of people who are poor or don't have a good life and I feel like I could say something wrong at anytime and I'd loose my friends. Yeah I know true friends won't stop being your friend if this or that happens blah blah blah but honestly that's not true, most people are selfish, I know most of us hate to admit it but it's true, we're all focused on our own life and while yes friends may be part of that life and some of the best people to you if they hurt you or do something they really don't agree with they can cut you off because they're not thinking about you they're thinking about them because in all of our own eyes the world revolves around us, even though we might not think we think this way, we do and when somebody messes up your world your going to fix it because your thinking about your world not theirs. We're sitting at lunch, in just listening to my friends talk because I don't want to be exposed or whatever and my friend Carla is talking about Drake, she has a very big obsession with him and talks about him a lot, then I hear one of my least favorite voices.
"I think when you smelled a sewage earlier you meant Carla!" Belinda said in a bratty voice.

"Belinda are you just trying to make another reason for people to hate you." I say giving her a dirty look.

"Hey you be quite you slut shaming whore!" She sassed back.

"Are you retarded or something? You said I'm a slut shamer but then you called me a whore? No wonder your parents think your such a worthless piece of crap, your ugly, stupid and a bitch I'm sure if it was legal your parents wouldn't killed you the second you were born so you didn't have to ruin they're lives so much!" I scream at her.

She begins to cry, "you are so mean I HATE you I HATE you so much!" She says as she runs off.

"Cat, that was a little to mean...." my friend Maya says.

"Yeah, I mean its probably all true but you just want her to hate herself not kill herself." My friend Josie says giggling a little bit.

"Yeah...I..I don't know what got into me, I gotta go bye." I say running out of the cafeteria trying to hold in my tears, I run to the bathroom and go in a stall and completely broke down. What has gotten into me? How could I have. Been so mean? I guess I just talked to her like I wanted to talk to myself, I don't usually feel bad but this time I do, I tried to make her feel how I do all the time, which as much as I want her to feel my pain, I don't want anyone to have to feel pain. I know pains a thing we all have to face but why? I hate my mother for causing me to be in pain all the time so aren't I the same as her? Being the burden in someone's life, as much as I hate doing that and I want to stop part of me wants to still, wants to make everyone feel the way I do, so everything can be fair. But life isn't fair, and one person doesn't have the power to change that.