Terminology Of Feelings

Chapter 1: Fear

Fear has a different definition for all of us. Some fear to be a loser, some fear oblivion and some like me fear to lose someone. Fighting with fears has never been an easy job but fighting for someone is always worth it. That 'someone' had fought a whole lot of world for me. He fought against all the barriers, the ruthless conversations of friends and family, the never-dying distances between us and what not. Yet, I am fearful. Fearful of losing him to something that doesn't even breathe. 

I used to get scared in the beginning; scared that he will leave me for someone else. He assured me and never left my side for anyone. But now, seeing him going for something as nasty as a bag of a powder of filth which is used to sniff to take you to an area of ecstasy, is getting on my nerves. He says that he won't leave me but he doesn't leave that drugged part of his brain too. He thinks nothing will change anything between us but he is incapable to notice the small cracks that are building up in our relationship. 

I believed that my love has the power to stop him from going near any such thing. But my love lives in his heart and the drugs act on his brain. Everyone knows that everything in your body is being coordinated and controlled by your brain. Then why shouldn't I be fearful knowing that these days, his brain is taking over all his body and his heart will just be given a task to pump blood only at the end?

I want to tell him how much I have ever loved him but I feel him absent. He thinks he is with me but I can feel he is not. I am afraid that I will lose him. I tell him to stop but nothing works. I can't lose him; not now not ever. So what am I supposed to do now? Wait for the time when he will gradually leave me for a powder dose? If he dies with this, I die with him too. If living with him is an impossible thing, then at least shattering down with him is my next option. 

I know that he struggles to leave it too and I comprehend how difficult it is. He is being torn into a constant battle of his heart and brain. How is he supposed to stop himself when his brain is taking him to the drugs and a small corner of his breathing heart is whispering him to stop. He is not cruel, not mad, not even a bad person. But he has his fears too. Fear that everything will just burst apart if he stops his dosage. The withdrawal symptoms will break him into pieces. I am waiting for the time when he can overcome his fears and help me come out of my fears too. He has to take the first step or we both will drown in this. We can live a beautiful life if only our fears can get dissolved into a passing night and never turn up again. How beautiful it would be, to live a life with no fears. How amazing it would be to see him fearless and having a complete control over every inch of his body. How glorious would that day be when I would not have to change the topic of our conversation just because I'm afraid it will trigger a bad response in him. I'll wait for that day when our fears will be gone and we'll be left with plain love. 

I wish I could tell him how important his life is to me and how much intertwined we are. Drugs don't destroy one life; they destroy many. I crave that I could just eradicate them from his life. He is my property then how dare him to destruct himself without my permission. Tell him to say No to drugs; Tell him to say Yes to our life. Tell him that I am fearful and my biggest fear is losing him. Losing him means losing myself and I didn't choose to lose myself. Tell him to choose me over everything else.