My Life Hurts

As some of you already know I was beaten by father from the time I could walk to when I was 7 years old, which was the time I escaped from him. My brothers came along with me a few days later. I was bullied all through out elementary and middle school. It was so bad you would see me by myself a lot of times with my head down and sometimes even crying. My mood swings and sense of falling into deep madness started in my freshman year a lot of weird and unexpected bullshit happened and things for me just got worse mentally. I blamed god for things instead of praying about it, I never told my parents anything except for when ever they got called 'cause I had got in trouble a couple times. I had sex earlier then I wanted to(I'm still a virgin, cause I didn't have it down there), and I also got in trouble because of this guy liked wanted me to take his phone and take a few nudes on it. A few weeks later I find out that he sent them to a few people and it spread out to almost the whole school. I was so embarrassed and angry and depressed that I thought that my life was over literally. I wanted to die, get rid or myself and rid myself of existence, but my friends didn't want that for me. They still supported me and loved me for me. Though my parents say I have no friends because of what I've been through, but I don't listen to them(I understand what they mean now, a lot of the "friends" I had were fake). Though things are somewhat fine my past still haunts me today. Yeah my life has been filled with nothing but fucked up bullshit. *getting teary* I hated myself at times for being useless and mindless, for not thinking through things before doing them and for saying yes to things I wouldn't normally do in real life. I wanted to kill myself so badly so that I wouldn't have to go through it anymore. It was so bad that I ended up seeing my death happen like I was imagining it happening, but it felt so real. I ended up having harsh thoughts about myself and other people. I thought of stabbing myself in the chest, drowning myself or falling off a cliff and getting my limbs ripped apart. I wanted to die so badly, but because of the support I feel a little better now though my past still haunts me. So there you go, now you know me.