Fit Her Shoe [Gottfred & Lorin]

Kabanata 16

    Gottfred and I spent the entire night together, his hugs providing me with everything I needed at the moment. Alam kong kahibangan. Malaking katangahan. But when he uttered that simple word of apology, it quickly melted the anger inside me. Because to begin with, I could not bring myself to be angry with him. In this story, he should not bear the blame for my sufferings.

    It was all on me.

    I did this to myself.

    Isa akong malaking hibang at tanga pagdating sa kaniya.

    I knew, alright? I knew he was bad for me. I could see the signs and I was not entirely blind at the glaring red flags. In fact, it was almost laughable how transparent they were. Kitang-kita ko lahat, ‘yong magaspang na ugali niya, ‘yong mga walang lamang pangako, ‘yong manipulasyon, ‘yong pagiging paasa.

    I could see all of it.

    I simply just could not help myself.

    I wished I could just walk away, save myself from him. I wished it was that simple. But there was this part of me, this foolish part, that tightly clinging to hope. Sa pag-asang magbabago siya o ‘di kaya ay babalik sa dating siya. Na baka kailangan ko lang ng kaunting pasensiya pa at mapalalambot ko rin sa wakas ‘yong malamig at matigas na damdamin at katauhan niya.

    Again, I knew I deserved better, so much better. The people around me used to tell me that and I believed them. I really did. Nararapat ako sa isang tao na igagalang ako, itatrato ng tama, mamahalin at bibigyan ng halaga. Pero ewan ko ba. Para bang parating may humihila sa akin pabalik sa kaniya. Perhaps it was the way he could be so sweet and caring to me when he wanted to be. ‘Yong mga matatamis na sandali na kahit alam kong pagpapanggap lang ay nagpapahulog sa akin nang mas malalim pa sa kaniya. All those things made me believe, even if just for a moment, that he would be back to the man he used to be, to the man I had fallen in love with. Idagdag pa ‘yong mga alaala namin noong mga bata pa kami. All the times he made me laugh, made me feel cherished, especially those times he made me feel loved. The piggyback rides. Those times in the beach as we watched the sunset. Everything. Most especially, there was this feeling that I had to fulfill my promise to his mother.

    Napapikit ako nang mariin nang sumariwa at magpaulit-uit iyon sa isipan ko.

    “I know this is too much to ask, but please, I want you to not give up on my son, Lorin. May mga pagkakataon na mahihirapan kang intindihin at mahalin siya, pero sana ay huwag mo siyang sukuan. Para sa akin, hmm? Hija, alagaan at mahalin mo si Gottfred para sa akin?”

    “I know this is too much to ask, but please, I want you to not give up on my son, Lorin. May mga pagkakataon na mahihirapan kang intindihin at mahalin siya, pero sana ay huwag mo siyang sukuan. Para sa akin, hmm? Hija, alagaan at mahalin mo si Gottfred para sa akin?”

    “I know this is too much to ask, but please, I want you to not give up on my son, Lorin. May mga pagkakataon na mahihirapan kang intindihin at mahalin siya, pero sana ay huwag mo siyang sukuan. Para sa akin, hmm? Hija, alagaan at mahalin mo si Gottfred para sa akin?”