Toto and the Boys I: Jackie

Chapter 25

Later on that day, Jackie stayed behind to finish a few things left undone for the event, most of them her job. Her other team mates had done theirs perfectly. She didn’t want Dean to think she was not doing her job well because she was no longer afraid of him.

Well, she was afraid of a few things. One, Brian himself and what he might do to Dean. Two, Dean and his reaction tonight after she told him everything she had done.

Dean’s office lights were still on and she knew why he was still lurking around. He was waiting for her to finally say whatever she planned to say.

And she saw that in his eyes when he looked up at her the moment she entered his office. For a moment she felt so proud of herself that she could enter the Devil’s Room without her heart racing in fear. It was racing, alright, but it was because of the intense look he had on his eyes and the confession that she was about to make.

“So, you are ready to talk?” he asked.

It was getting dark outside. Everybody else had gone home. It was just her and Dean.

When Jackie just stood in the middle of the room, rooted to the spot, Dean pushed his chair away from the table. He motioned with his head. “Come here,” he said, holding out his hand for her.

Jackie tried to muster all the courage she had to do this. She had to tell him. She couldn’t go on pretending that everything was alright. She couldn’t be that unfair toward him.

Slowly, she made her way to where he was sitting and took his hand. She sat on the desk before him, sitting on the papers he had been reading a while ago, and facing him as he sat on his chair, looking at her with worry.

“Tell me. I know something’s bothering you.”

“You will probably hate me for it.”

He smiled. “Try me.”

Jackie opened her mouth, closed it again, opened it and then closed it again in frustration.

She gave off a small whimper. She didn’t want him to stop looking at her the way he was now. Calm, patient and loving.

Jackie continued to study his face as she sat down before him, engraving in her memory that smile he had on his face, the slight twinkle of his eyes and the calmness despite the awaiting news she had for him. She could feel his thumb gently massaging the back of her right hand, telling her it was going to be alright.

She couldn’t imagine how his gentle face would turn into the one she never wanted to see. That look he only wore during bad meetings behind his closed door. And it could be worse. That was what she feared the most.

And she couldn’t bear the thought of him letting go of her hand.

She used him to protect herself from Brian and now she realized she had depended on him far more than she intended or even wanted. She was falling for this man who could give her the protection that she wanted, the feeling of security and love that she had been looking for ever since she decided to leave her home and family to be independent. He could be everything the police or the president of the freaking country couldn’t: he could protect her and love her. She could see it in his eyes and she could feel it in the assuring hold of his hand in hers. Love was coming her way. And she wanted that--desperately so, in fact.

But she had to make it or break it tonight. It would be Dean’s decision.

When she took more time than she intended to try to speak again, Dean sighed and reached out his other hand to hold her free one.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he tried again.

Jackie lowered her gaze and closed her eyes.