i want a lover i don't have to love. i can blame it on my heart. my stupid heart for tearing away prematurely. spitting out blood in disgust. god this isn't what it wants anymore. i could blame it on my brain. for changing its thoughts every month. switching back and forth. god darling no i don't want to hurt you. i do, i do. i don't. i have no clue. don't let me go, i don't need you. i could stare off into the stars. my feet flat against the rough texture of the titles on the roof. i would remember you so well. i would write on my skin i miss you fifteen times. id scribble it out and screw my eyes shut. i cant tell what the difference is. loving you or hating you. maybe that was our problem lover maybe that was our issue. that i couldn't tell. that you didn't ask me to know the difference. i hear the birds in the morning before school and i want to scream. i hesitate getting up. i could end it all right now. i could blame it on my heart for not loving my self. i could blame it on my brain for loving myself to a sin. but i won't. i don't. i get up and i don't message you. don't want to share my increased desire for not wanting to wake up anymore. not even beside you. not even for you. you don't care. you never did. and i know, baby.i know and i loved you anyways.
