I am a self harmer. Before writing this I had just slit my thighs. No one knows who I am... and I would like to keep it that way. I wrote this to release tension, so I can try to stop. This is my secret story.
As a child, I always felt as though I wasn't good enough for the rest of society. I used to see my mother self harm, my dad cry alone, my sister scream for help and my brother be sent off to the hospital. I never had any friends, except one girl, who was a nasty person who controlled me. By the time I reached age 9, people had already set themselves into little groups, of the popular and not. The 'freaks' and 'weirdos' we left alone. I was one of them. All I ever wanted was an actual friend, who would listen to me. I lost my grandad to smoking, my cat to a car accident, and my smile to the voices. I started to write a journal of my feelings, but I always felt I had to hide it. I didn't want to do that. People laughed at me for being not like the rest. Around this age, my mother tried to kill herself in front of me. I was bullied into doing horrible things from ages 9 to 11. I was teased about my sudden weight gain, my scars, my 'duck' walk, my problems. Then, I was introduced to self harm. I found out that people did this to feel alive, not to die. I started hitting my head against the wall, pulling out my hair, slapping my skin until it was red, and beating myself. All I wanted was to feel something... anything. I was scared of myself, and of hurting others. About 4 months ago I did something. I took my sharpener, and undid the bolt. I cleaned up the blade, and hid it.
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It was mine. I was cutting my skin. I had control over it. Then... it became a need. I realised that it made me feel a temporary relief. So I did it again and again, eventually filling my empty legs, arms, wrists and stomach in slits. The I said to someone, 'I need to hurt someone, I can get out of class then!' And he replied with, 'Uh don't hurt me... just go self harm, hurt yourself instead' so when I got home, I did. I made sure it hurt. I made sure it drew blood. I keep getting set off, and triggered... causing me to melt down and go back to that same blade. Please... somebody... help. I try to turn to my friends but they don't understand how much it takes for me to get up, eat, and not use my belt as a noose. I just get told 'don't do it' and 'no'. I needed someone to talk to. I never got that though. If someone sees this, thank you. I hope you comment... so I can have someone to talk to.
