A life of lies

Dear Angie....(Angels P.O.V)

Dear Angie,

    It's been a while, hasn't it?  Why don't you write me anymore? I don't blame you I wouldn't either. Someone like me doesn't belong loving someone as dearly as you, as much as I do. When you left you shattered me broke me in two I could understand why you wouldn't love me but do you know I love you? I can not apologize enough for what I cause I may only ask that you tolerate me enough to respond; you are what kept me going all that time and now that you are gone it's like I'm slowly breaking down Inside.

   I feel horrible I weep every day that you are not with me, I cry for being such a bad sister, I cry for causing mom to hate you, I cry for being the cause of all the problems in this house, but mostly I cry  because I feel alone, because I am scared of what the future holds for me, because I feel that I might make another mistake, just like I did when I loved you, and you probably didn't want to love me back. 

   Now every day that you are not here it's like I'm dying just a little more on the inside. But I keep smiling I don't want anyone to know, then they would only tease me for being such a failure at everything. I stopped trying with my work at school; the only one that ever cared how I did in it was you; now you are gone so whats the point, I stopped feeling proud of anything I did when you left. I understand you loved him but if I may ask, why?

 Why did you abandon me? I know I sound like a child stubborn and stuck up right now; because I know you earn love nobody is supposed to just give it to you. And that my dearest sister is why I feel no love towards myself, with my wretched long blonde hair that gets in the way of everything I do; and my blue-grey eyes that look like a blue that is depressed. 

   Today a girl asked me why I always look tired or why I write the stories I do. And I had no answer for her; maybe it's a life of no love from a selfish father, or a never around mother. Maybe it's from holding the tears, biting my tongue and biding my time till the time when there is no time left to be bought. Or maybe it was a loss so dear to the heart that every time you think about it, it makes you want to weep as if a thousand tiny knives are being driven into your heart twisted and then having salt shoved in them so deep that you can feel the ache all throughout your body. 

 Dear sister, I must go now for if I am to write much more I feel that the wall I have put up is starting to crumble down slowly at first, then faster as it gains speed as it falls, for no matter how hard I try the wall doesn't stay up for too long; I may just as well skip school tomorrow for I feel that I will spend another long night weeping as the pain only grows sharper and sharper snipping away a piece of my heart little by little. So until I hear from you, if I do, I will bid my time smiling on the outside dying on the inside.

  I hit send and took my eyes off the screen, the fresh well of tears making their way up, building a lump in my throat that I knew I couldn't swallow. I felt it leave for a minute then come crashing back like a tidal wave hitting the beach; water in a container begging to be set free crashing their waves against the side of the glass till finally it shattered and set them free; I let them roll down my face only a few at first then more and more coming harder and harder until hard sobs wrenched from my body shaking me with so much might I couldn't control it. The pain was sharper than ever, little knives dug into my chest plunging deeper with their dull blade with each wretched sob that escaped. 

  The pain was unbearable I tore at my hair, and ripped at my skin wanting more than anything for that pain in my chest to be transferred to anywhere, anywhere else; but no matter how much I wanted the pain to go away it wouldn't, it held on for dear life clutching at my soul endlessly so much so that I swore I could feel the tiny hands of dispare dragging their sharp nails all over my heavy soul. The pain wouldn't stop that same treacherous feeling dragging against my soul, until it all went black, the pain too much for my body to handle made me pass out and all was black I was still conscious I could feel it, just like I could feel the numb pain of the knives still plunging into my chest, and the tears rolling off my cheeks falling onto my old pillow. I could still feel and hear everything but it was as if I had been dopped up on Advil the pain was so numb, and all the sound was like I was underwater sinking deeper and deeper into the ocean little by little and the noise fading so it was less and less. God must have seen my dispare and put me out of my misery for some temporary bliss, for he is the only one that loves me right now in my state because he loves all his children, right? I couldn't think anymore it was like I was slowly falling asleep there was a pain in my stomach, but why? I couldn't remember all I could feel was the soft lull of sleep pulling me in closer and closer, bit by bit until....Blackness