Larry Stylinson One-Shots

#21

☆Title: Felt This Way by Brokenbravery on Tumblr

☆Summary(kinda): Song is Glitter In The Air by P!nk. One of my favorites and it fit very well. This might be triggering to anyone with an eating disorder. Hope this is good, darlings xx

☆Word Count: idek whoops😬

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Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?

Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?

It always happened the same way. He'd be fine, better than fine. He'd be curled up with Louis on a couch or a bed or a chair or anything. And then there was a trigger. Something stupid, something completely unrelated but it was irrational and it hurt. A comment about a fit girl (Zayn), a plate of food shoved at him (Niall), a conversation about working out (Liam), or worst of all, almost anything to do with a certain cerulean eyed boy's love life. Louis. Yes, he triggered it the most.

Harry would fight it off as long as he could, really. Sometimes Louis would notice, ever the insightful bastard, and ask him why he wouldn't eat. And some days Harry would say he was sick, others not hungry, sometimes even admit that he was watching what he ate. Louis would frown, pinch his stomach and hand feed him animal crackers with a laugh. And Harry would put up with it, of course he would, because it was Louis.

But as soon as he could, he would run to the bathroom as his head swirled and a voice chanted over and over again fat, stupid, idiot, ugly, imperfect, flawed, not enough, not what he wants, Louis doesn't want you, he pinched your fat, he thinks you're fat, Louis doesn't like you, Louis, Louis, Louis.

And Harry wouldn't fight it anymore, no, he'd accept it, and stick his fingers down his throat, heaving up whatever he just ate. It burned and it hurt but it was worth it, because maybe one day he'd be good enough for Louis.

Maybe one day Louis would want him.

Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?

Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?

Harry lived in the moment. He liked to experience life and do stupid things and make mistakes because he was young and he had an amazing life and he could. So he did. But somehow that all crashed down around him every time Louis went on a date. Those were the worst times. When he'd rave about the girl, talk about how cute she was, how bubbly her laughter was, how funny her jokes were.

And Harry was a good friend, of course he was, so he smiled along and congratulated Louis and whatever else was needed. He'd even cuddle with him on the couch.

But the voice would start up again, worse than ever, and he'd stop eating all together. For days. Just a small bite when he knew he'd faint otherwise, a little something before concerts and that was it. Nothing. No meals. And when Louis would frown at his plate, food untouched, he'd eat a few mouthfuls to appease him, and then scamper away when he could, locking the bathroom door and purging. He had to. He just had to.

And he was scared, no doubt. Deep down he knew it wasn't normal, wasn't healthy, wasn't okay. He knew he had an eating disorder and he knew that was bad. But he didn't give a shit, not as long as he was still flawed, still ugly, still worthless. Not as long as he was alone, without Louis.

It's only half past the point of no return

The tip of the iceberg

The sun before the burn

The thunder before the lightning

The breath before the phrase

Have you ever felt this way?